177 Funny Work Quotes and Sayings

Going to work is probably one of the most boring routines most people hate of doing. However, it’s a huge part of life because without it, we simply wouldn’t be able to feed ourselves and our family. Instead of being grumpy about it, why not just laugh about it? Here are our collection of inspirational, wise, and funny work quotes that will surely help you get through the day. Keep calm and stay happy!

Funny Work Quotes

1. Doing nothing is very hard to do you never know when you’re finished. – Leslie Nielsen 

2. Greatness doesn’t come from taking a lean-back approach to career planning. Get out in front of opportunity and it will come to you. – Jocelyn K. Glei

3. If you think your boss is stupid, remember, you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. – John Gotti 

4. People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do. – Elbert Hubbard

5. Anybody, somebody or nobody is ever going to make your life any more than you are willing to do for yourself. So, stop looking around for anybody to do something for you; instead, get your own body going and get it done now. – Byron Pulsifer

6. I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one. – Clarence Darrow 

7. It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you. – Dwight D. Eisenhower 

8. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin 

9. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance. – Edgar Bergen

10. Do your work with your whole heart, and you will succeed there’s so little competition. – Elbert Hubbard 

11. Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. – Bill Gates

12. Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs. – Mary Kay Ash 

13. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. – Leo Durocher

14. Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these words, not my circus, not my monkeys. – Polish Proverb

15. I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. – Ellen DeGeneres 

16. Ideas are like slippery fish. They seem to have a peculiar knack of getting away from us. Because of this, the creative person always has a pad and a pencil handy. – Earl Nightingale 

17. My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

18. If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock. – Claude McDonald 

19. The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen. – Sarah Brown 

20. You don’t get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour. – Jim Rohn 

21. Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done. – Sam Ewing 

22. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde 

23. You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.  – Zig Ziglar 

24. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous. – Robert Benchley 

25. The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school. – Milton Berle 

26. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates 

27. I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

28. When work feels overwhelming, remember that you’re going to die.

29. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck

30. Oh, you hate your job, why didn’t you say so. There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey

Funny Work Quotes
31. I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome

32. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job, it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman

33. When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him, whose? – Don Marquis

34. Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you’re finished. – Leslie Nielsen

35. What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public, ethical advertising uses the truth to deceive the public. – Vilhjalmur Stefansson

36. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – Steven Wright

37. A consultant is a man who knows 157 ways to make love but doesn’t know any women. 

38. Work is much more fun than fun. – Noel Coward

39. When we’re unemployed, we’re called lazy, when the whites are unemployed it’s called a depression. – Jesse Jackson

40. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson

41. Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get. – Ray Kroc

42. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen

43. In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most, it is the 

44. A leader is best when people barely know he exists, not so good when people obey and acclaim him, worse when they despise him. But of a good leader who talks little when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say, we did it ourselves. – Lao-Tzu

45. Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. – George Burns

46. The first thing a new employee should do on the job is to learn to recognize his boss’ voice on the phone. – Martin Buxbaum

47. If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route. – Malcolm S. Forbes

48. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment. – Robert Benchley

49. I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.​

50. Getting paid to sleep that’s my dream job.​

51. Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell them, certainly, I can. Then get busy and find out how to do it. -Theodore Roosevelt

52. The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​ – Stanley J. Randall

Funny Work Quotes

53. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. – Tom Goins

54. If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.​ -Albert Einstein

55. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet. They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​ -Homer Simpson

56. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be “meetings. – Dave Barry

57. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?​ – ​Kin Hubbard

58. There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.​ – David Letterman

59. If you find what you do each day seems to have no link to any higher purpose, you probably want to rethink what you’re doing.  – Ronald Heifetz

60. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

61. The only goal you can’t accomplish is the one that you don’t go after. – Vilis Ozols

62. Every new day is another chance to change your life.

63. The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show us how badly we want something. – Randy Pausch

64. Women, in particular, need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we’re scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own to do list. – Michelle Obama

65. Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. – Scott Adams

66. An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. – William Castle

67. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

68. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. – Carl Zwanzig

69. Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant. – Scott Adams

70. Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want. – Tori Filler

71. Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid. – Phil Pastoret

72. The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse. – Dennis Miller

73. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. – Robert Benchley

74. I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them. – Leo Durocher

75. I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. – Woody Allen

76. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Funny Work Quotes
77. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings. – Dave Barry

78. Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are lazy to their employers. – Proverbs 10:26

79. Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done. – Sam Ewing

80. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

81. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. – Betty Reese

82. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. – Oscar Wilde

83. It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

84. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. – Henry Kissinger

85. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

86. Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese. – Billie Burke

87. Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is. – Jeffrey Gitomer

88. Every tattoo is temporary because we’re all slowly dying.

89. I am an early bird and a night owl so I am wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott

90. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

91. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. – Mark Twain

92. Always remember that you are unique   just like everybody else.

93. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schulz

94. Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get a warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch

95. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

96. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

97. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous. – Robert Benchley

98. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, I’m possible. – Audrey Hepburn

99. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

100. When I hear somebody sigh, life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, compared to what. – Sydney Harris

101. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?. – Steven Wright

102. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

103. Bad decisions make good stories. – Ellis Vidler

104. Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.

105. Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.

106. I cannot afford to waste my time making money. – Louis Agassiz

107. If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.

108. Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Funny Work Quotes
109. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas Edison

110. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time. – Joe Girard

111. Think like a proton. Always positive.

112. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. – Jack London

113. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

114. Be happy   it drives people crazy.

115. Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

116. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. – Franklin P. Jones

117. I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

118. If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck. – Elvis Presley

119. Life is like a sewer what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

120. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing   that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar

121. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

122. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. – Mae West

123. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

124. You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. – Sam Levenson

125. A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction. – Justin Sewell

126. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

127. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Funny Work Quotes
128. I have a simple philosophy, fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

129. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. – Betty Reese

130. Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night. – Jason Love

131. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – Winnie the Pooh

132. The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me. – Ayn Rand

133. Trying is the first step toward failure. – Homer Simpson

134. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. – Marilyn Monroe

135. You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. – Robin Williams

136. There cannot be a stressful crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

137. If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

138. By working faithfully 8 hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. – Robert Frost

139. If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Mondays. – John Wagner

140. The best part about going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

141. Mondays are the start of the workweek which offers new beginnings 52 times a year. – David Dweck

142. Some days, the best thing about the job is that the chair spins. 

143. I stress about stress before there’s even stress to stress about.

144. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. – Robert Orben

145. I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

146. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings. – Dave Barry

147. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. – Jennifer Yane

148. I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.

149. Stress does not go with my outfit.

150. Stressed is dessert spelled backward. – Loretta Laroche

151. Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.

152. What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. – Pearl Bailey

153. No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early. – Groucho Max

154. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey

155. Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

156. You do not lead by hitting people over the head that’s assault, not leadership. – Dwight Eisenhower

157. This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

158. My fondest childhood memory is not having to spend 40 hours a week with people who make me feel angry and tired so that I can afford to buy paper towels and laundry detergent.

Funny Work Quotes
159. I was a little excited but mostly blorft. Blorft is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years. – Tina Fey

160. Sleep is such a luxury, which I can’t afford. – Robin Sikarwar

161. The most important reason for your ‘no’ is that you need your downtime so you won’t behave like a jerk because you’re depleted. And you don’t want to battle an appetite spiked by the stress of over commitment. But that’s your secret, others don’t need that information. So just smile, say no, thank you, and keep moving. – Holly Mosier

162. Where’d the days ago, when all we did was play, and the stress that we were under wasn’t stress at all just a run and a jump into a harmless fall. – Paolo Nutini

163. Stress level, extreme. It’s like she was a jar with the lid screwed on too tight, and inside the jar were pickles, angry pickles, and they were fermenting, and about to explode. – Fiona Wood

164. It was after I first began to uplift my thoughts a bit that my cravings for junk food started to dissipate. I did not connect the two at that time. First, I simply noticed that I didn’t need to sleep so much. It took a while before I realized that in addition to my improved energy level, there was a direct correlation between chewing on mental garbage and putting garbage in my mouth. – Holly Mosier

165. Sometimes we can focus so much on nothing that we make it a big something of nothing. – Ricky Maye

166. Now, for the first time in my life, I empathize 100 percent with Fluff McFly. My heart is beating at hamster-speed and I am throwing my eyes around the room, looking for some way out. – Robin Sloan

167. Being under stress is like being stranded in a body of water. If you panic, it will cause you to flail around so that the water rushes into your lungs and creates further distress. Yet, by calmly collecting yourself and using controlled breathing you remain afloat with ease. – Hutchinson

168. The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage, management. – Scott Adams

169. Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. – Howard Aiken

170. The first thing a new employee should do on the job is to learn to recognize his boss’ voice on the phone. – Martin Buxbaum

171. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -Napoleon Bonaparte

172. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. – David Brinkley

173. First rule of leadership: everything is your fault.

174. A leader must have the courage to act against an expert’s advice. – James Callaghan

175. Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

176. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. – John Ciardi

177. Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat. – Jim Collins

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