170 Funny Positive Quotes and Sayings

Sometimes reading funny positive quotes is better than spending your whole day feeling down and thinking about your failures in life. Thinking happy thoughts over sad ones is more beneficial not only to your emotional and mental health, but for your physical body as well. Here are plenty of funny positive quotes we compiled for you to help get you through the bad days.

Funny Positive Quotes

1. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

2. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

3. The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived. – Oscar Wilde

4. I cannot afford to waste my time making money. – Louis Agassiz

5. The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well. – Alfred Adler

6. There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating, people who know absolutely everything and people who know absolutely nothing. – Oscar Wilde

7. What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. – Yiddish Proverb

8. Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. – George Bernard Shaw

9. If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. – Thomas Szasz

10. The trouble with the rat-race is that, even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

11. Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe. – Albert Einstein

12. Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. – Albert Shweitzer

13. There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do. – Amy Poehler

14. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

15. If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Jim Rohn

16. When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened. – Winston Churchill

17. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama

18. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

19. The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill. – W. Clement Stone

20. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

21. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. – Robert Frost

22. Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese. – Billie Burke

Funny Positive Quotes

23. Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him? – Alec Guiness

24. A lifetime of happiness. No man alive could bear it, it would be hell on earth. – George Bernard Shaw

25. Aspire to inspire before you expire. – Eugene Bell Jr.

26. If at first you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy. – H. Duane Black

27. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. – Jack London

28. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

29. To be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. – Gustave Flaubert

30. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. – Mark Twain

31. I’ve met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you – you’re 20 minutes. – Jan Sterling

32. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous. – Robert Benchley

33. The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. – Madeleine L’Engle

34. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler

35. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

36. I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

37. Want is a growing giant whom the coat of Have was never large enough to cover. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

38. The difference between genius and stupidity is, genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

39. When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it. – Bernard Bailey

40. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne

41. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom. – Terry Pratchett

42. If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big. – Donald Trump

43. There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. – Roger Staubach

44. Good things come to those who wait, greater things come to those who get off and do anything to make it happen.

45. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

46. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller

47. Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is. – Jeffrey Gitomer

48. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. – Douglas Adams

49. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

50. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler

Funny Positive Quotes

51. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston S. Churchill

52. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas Edison

53. When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. – Mark Twain

54. I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched. – Edgar Allan Poe

55. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. – Ellen Degeneres

56. Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice. – Bill Watterson

57. The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bull**** story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it. – Jordan Belfort

58. Life is like a sewer what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

59. Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try. – Dr. Seuss

60. If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? – Albert Einstein

61. Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly. – Neil Gaiman

62. Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make? – Terry Johnson

63. I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. – Oscar Wilde

64. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar

65. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant

66. Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

67. Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bi***. – Lili St. Crow

68. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams

69. My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. – Winston S. Churchill

70. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. – Dr. Seuss

Funny Positive Quotes

71. Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one. – Terry Pratchett

72. If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. – Marie Osmond

73. If you’re reading this, congratulations, you’re alive. If that’s not something to smile about, then I don’t know what is. – Chad Sugg

74. The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be. – Douglas Adams

75. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. – Jim Henson

76. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

77. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. – Charles J. Sykes

78. You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. – Saul Bellow

79. Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention. – Christopher Paolini

80. Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. – Paul Terry

81. Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you. – Terry Pratchett

82. If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. – E.B. White

83. Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know. – Eoin Colfer

84. And still, after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, “you owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole Sky. – Hafez

85. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne

86. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. – Anthony G. Oettinger

87. Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby, awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. – Lemony Snicket

88. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. – Groucho Marx

89. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin

90. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields

91. Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. – Douglas Adams

92. I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies. – Lemony Snicket

93. From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. – Groucho Marx

94. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results. – Albert Einstein

95. The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families. – Jay McInerney

96. Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. – Douglas Adams

97. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. – Dorothy Parker

98. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb

99. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

100. I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome

101. Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people. – Tamora Pierce

102. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski

Funny Positive Quotes

103. I figured something out. The future is unpredictable. – John Green

104. If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means ‘flunk’. – Lemony Snicket

105. Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. – Woody Allen

106. Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself. – Christina Grimmie

107. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln

108. Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. – Wilson Mizner

109. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

110. I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. – Karan Patel

111. Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends. – Eminem

112. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

113. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt

114. It’s so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it’s this monster that consumes so many millennial lives. – Cazzie David

115. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

116. Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. – James A. Garfield

117. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

118. Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing. – Elle King

119. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams

120. I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being me. – Ellen DeGeneres

121. Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. – Joan Rivers

122. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

123. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields

124. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. – William Feather

125. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P. Jones

126. Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers

127. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends. – Walt Whitman

128. There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. – Jeff Garlin

129. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams

130. Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke. – John Krasinski

131. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Albert Einstein

Funny Positive Quotes

132. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison, if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. – Milton Berle

133. God hadn’t made me handsome, but he’d given me something, I always felt, funny bones. – Jerry Lewis

134. Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. HeinleinWe are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. – Sheena Easton

136. We are all born mad. Some remain so. – Samuel Beckett

137. Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking

138. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West

139. If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. – Maya Angelou

140. That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. – Joe Rogan

141. The distinguishing mark of man is the hand, the instrument with which he does all his mischief. – George Orwell

142. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. – Walt Disney

143. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. – Joel Osteen

144. If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won’t come up with a hand full of mud either. – Leo Burnett

145. I truly believe we are all funny at least some of the time. Some of us are termed naturally funny and others have to work at it. We all have moments in life that make us laugh. – David Nihill

146. A laugh is a smile that bursts. – Mary H. Waldrip

147. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen

148. If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself. – Irish Proverbs

149. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. – Irish Saying  

150. If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. – Bendan Behan

151. The mind is like a clock that is constantly running down. It has to be wound up daily with good thoughts. – Fulton J. Sheen

152. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping. – Bo Derek

153. You can’t shine like a diamond, if you not willing to get cut like a diamond. – Eric Thomas

154. I ask people if an elephant has ever bitten them. Most of the time people say no. But everyone has been bitten by a mosquito. It’s the little things that get us. – David DeNotaris

155. Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade. Charles Dickens

156. You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving. – Amy Carmichael

157. Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed. – Gandhi

158. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be. – Maya Angelou  

159. I should be a postage stamp. That’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. – Muhammad Ali

160. Quality is more than important than quantity. One home run is much better than two doubles. – Steve Jobs

161. A sister smiles when one tells one’s stories, for she knows where the decoration has been added. – Chris Montaigne

Funny Positive Quotes

162. It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them. – Rose MacAulay

163. Thanksgiving, when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White

164. A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. – Kin Hubbard

165. The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come. – Nicky Gumbel

166. The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does. – Proverb

167. Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you. – Michelle Stewart

168. Watch something funny. Laughter is great medicine, especially for what worries you. – Michelle Stewart

169. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV. – Thomas Sowell

170. New Year’s resolutions work like this: you think of something you enjoy doing and then resolve to stop doing it. – Charlie Brooker


Leave a Comment