226 Witty Quotes and Sayings

Laughter is indeed the best medicine! We know you’re here because you want to laugh so we don’t want you to wait any longer. Here are some of the smartest, funniest and wittiest quotes that will surely hurt your jaw from laughing. Actually, they might make you cry some happy tears too. Happy reading!

Witty Quotes

1. A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

2. A grieving woman could sit alone on a jetty in the early morning. But not with a book in her hands. – Pia Juul

3. A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. – Ljupka Cvetanova

4. A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it. – Michael Bassey Johnson

5. A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves. – J. Robson Koenig

6. A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being frank. – Robert Heinlein

7. A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else. – Len Wein

8. A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success. – Doug Larson

9. A witty saying proves nothing. – Voltaire

10. A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string. – George Dennison Prentice

11. Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. – William James

12. Action will destroy your procrastination. – Og Mandino

13. All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions. – Adlai E. Stevenson

14. An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

15. And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln

16. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs. – Oliver Goldsmith

17. Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – William Shakespeare

18. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

19. Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. – Confucius

20. Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. – William Congreve

21. Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece. – Ralph Charell

Witty Quotes 

22. Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

23. Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. – Howard Aiken

24. Dreams don’t work unless you do. – John C. Maxwell

25. Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely. – Erma Bombeck

26. Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy. – Friedrich Nietzsche

27. Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. – Criss Jami

28. Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. – John Kenneth Galbraith

29. Fools learn from experience. Wise men learn from the experience of others. – Otto von Bismarck

30. Friends are like melons, shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try. – Claude Mermet

31. Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration. – Thomas Alva Edison

32. He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable. – Emma Goldrick

33. He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper. – Edmund Burke

34. How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win. – Gilbert Keith Chesterton

35. I don’t let go of concepts –I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me. – Byron Katie

36. I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow. – Woodrow Wilson

37. I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. – Abraham Maslow

38. I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo. – Suzanne Wrightt

39. I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward. – David Livingstone

40. If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit the same mistake again they just apologized for. – Amit Kalantri

41. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

Witty Quotes 

42. If you want to make enemies, try to change something. – Woodrow Wilson

43. If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. – Woody Allen

44. Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals. – Amit Kalantri

45. It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company. – George Washington

46. It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. – Charles Darwin

47. It is not what you gather but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived. – Helen Walton

48. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. – Tom Robbins

49. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan

50. Knowledge is proud she knows so much; wisdom is humble that she knows no more. – William Cowper

51. Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace. – Robert J. Sawyer

52. Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. – George Bernard Shaw

53. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. – Soren Kierkegaard

54. Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. – Confucius

55. Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback. – Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel

56. Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. – Benjamin Disraeli

57. Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers

58. Never try to have the last word. You might get it. – Robert Heinlein

59. No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. – Eleanor Roosevelt

60. Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I’d know me anywhere. – Terry Pratchett

61. One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh. – Robert Heinlein

62. One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. – Rita Mae Brown

63. Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley’s very funny, very witty guy, very quick. – Joe Rogan

64. Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make. – Sarah Ban Breathnach

65. Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert. – Dennis Sharpe

66. Pride only helps us to be generous, it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty. – George Eliot

67. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

68. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

69. Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist. – Mark Cromo

70. There are three kinds of people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say, what happened?

Witty Quotes 

71. Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

72. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher. – Doreen Deramo

73. Evening news is where they begin with good evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

74. I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

75. As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say, i just watch what they do.

76. You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. – Albert Einstein

77. A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes. – Debra Ramey

78. Whoever uses the phrase, easy as taking candy from a baby, has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.

79. Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

80. You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

81. I used to have superpowers. But a therapist took them away.

82. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you.

83. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

84. There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

85. The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine. – Abraham Lincoln

86. If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

87. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Doreen Deramo

88. Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

89. There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can’t.

90. You can’t spell families, without lies.

91. Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

92. Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.

93. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

94. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

95. Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

96. When someone says, you’ve changed, it simply means you’ve stopped living your life their way.

97. Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.

Witty Quotes

98. To handle yourself, use your head, to handle others, use your heart.

99. I haven’t failed at anything, I’ve just found all the wrong ways of doing it.

100. Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.

101. Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

102. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

103. Tough times never last, but tough people do.

104. They say never judge a book by its cover but they also said a picture is worth a thousand words.

105. Good girls are found on every corner of the earth but unfortunately the earth is round.

106. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

107. You’re pretty close to perfect when you’re standing next to me.

108. Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop.

109. Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have.

110. Sometimes the most clever thing to say is nothing at all.

111. Maybe it’s true, maybe we don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it. But maybe it’s also true that we don’t know what we’re missing until we find it.

112. At the end of the day you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart or what’s holding you together.

113. The risk I took was calculated but man, am i bad at math.

114. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

115. If you like me, then raise your hand, If not then raise your standard.

116. Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?

117. Some people call me Mike, you can call me tonight.

118. When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.

119. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ― John Lennon

120. No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

121. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

122. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. – Maya Angelou.

123. My father said there were two kinds of people in the world, givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better. – Marlo Thomas

124. If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches?

125. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

126. Common sense is not so common.

127. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

128. Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.

129. Work in silence, let your success speak.

130. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism, if you steal from many, its research.

131. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

132. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

133. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. All is well that ends.

134. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

135. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

136. When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

137. Take my advice I’m not using it.

Witty Quotes 

138. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

139. If the music is too loud you’re too old.

140. I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.

141. If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

142. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

143. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

144. Change is good, but dollars are better.

145. We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before  police.

146. The smallest changes make the biggest difference.

147. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

148. The one who decides to wipe the tears of the poor must have the money to buy the tissue.

149. Opportunity isn’t knocking coz you haven’t built the doors yet.

150. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

151. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.

152. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

153. Only dead fish go with the flow.

154. Life is like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

155. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.

156. If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

157. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

158. A bad plan is better than no plan.

159. Assumption is the mother of all screw ups.

160. Failure teaches success.

161. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

162. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

163. The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.

164. Every man is the architect of his own fortune.

165. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

166. The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.

167. I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font.

168. Magnify you skills or else modify your goals.

169. I am not fat, I am just easier to see.

170. I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right.

171. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

172. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

173. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

174. House guarded by shotgun 3 days a week. Guess which days.

175. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

176. It’s your god. They’re your rules. *You* go to hell.

177. I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way so I stole a bike and for his forgiveness

178. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

179. Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. – Howard Aiken

180. Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. – Henry Ford

181. If we only knew how many times our seemingly clever comment cut straight into the heart of the person with whom we have just spoken, it is we who would bleed. – Guy Finley

182. You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. – Naguib Mahfouz

Witty Quotes

183. No one wants to know how clever you are. They don’t want an insight into your mind, thrilling as it might be. They want an insight into their own. – Mark Haddon

184. Men are only clever at shifting blame from their own shoulders to those of others. – Livy

185. Beware the clever man that makes the wrong look right. – Lawrence Hill

186. I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious. – Albert Einstein

187. Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever. – Charles Kingsley

188. Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – Robert Kennedy

189. He who knows others is clever; He who knows himself has discernment.     

190. Clever men are good, but they are not the best.

191. No man is clever enough to know all the evil he does. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

192. The greatest fools are ofttimes more clever than the men who laugh at them. – George R.R. Martin

193. When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. – Theodore Roosevelt

194. One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. – Will Durant

195. Clever gimmicks of mass distraction yield a cheap soulcraft of addicted and self-medicated narcissists. – Cornel West

196. The obstinacy of cleverness and reason is nothing to the obstinacy of folly and inanity. – Harriet Beecher Stowe

197. Against the beautiful and the clever and the successful, one can wage a pitiless war, but not against the unattractive: then the millstone weighs on the breast. – Graham Greene

198. Clever tyrants are never punished. – Voltaire

199. Patience and tenacity are worth more than twice their weight of cleverness. – Thomas Huxley

200. He obstinacy of cleverness and reason is nothing to the obstinacy of folly and inanity. – Harriet Beecher Stowe

201. The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month. – Fyodor Dostoevsky

202. Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness. – Ludwig Wittgenstein

203. A clever, ugly man every now and then is successful with the ladies, but a handsome fool is irresistible. – William Makepeace Thackeray

204. Don’t be too clever for an audience. Make it obvious. Make the subtleties obvious also. – Henri Frederic Amiel

205. What clever man has ever needed to commit a crime? Crime is the last resort of political half-wits. – Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

206. It’s the people who try to be clever who never are; the people who are clever never think of trying to be. – Gilbert Parker

207. Cleverness is serviceable for everything, sufficient for nothing. – Henri Frederic Amiel

208. An inefficient virus kills its host. A clever virus stays with it. – James Lovelock

209. A clever arrangement of bad eggs will never make a good omelet. – C. S. Lewis

210. To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it. – George Bernard Shaw

211. Arguing with a fool proves there are two. – Doris M. Smith

212. If you’re not very clever you should be conciliatory. – Benjamin Disraeli

213. A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds. – Percy Ross

214. Cleverness isn’t always true nor is the truth always clever. – Criss Jami

215. Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil. – C. S. Lewis

216. Clever and attractive women do not want to vote, they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men. – George Bernard Shaw

217. To be heroic is to be courageous enough to die for something, to be inspirational is to be crazy enough to live a little. – Criss Jami

218. Being clever was when you looked at how things were and used the evidence to work out something new. – Mark Haddon

219. Be aware. Be Curious. Be Clever. Innovation is Something to be Reckoned with. – Daniel C. Tomas

220. Behind every clever man is an even cleverer woman. – Matshona Dhliwayo

221. The height of cleverness is in one’s ability to be very clever without seeming clever at all. – Criss Jami

222. There is a world of difference between being clever and being right. – Ian Driscoll

223. Think of something clever, witty or profound, keep it short and people may quote you. – Bobby Darnell

224. Justice fails because victims used to be too kind and criminals too clever. – M.F. Moonzajer

225. It Is a great act of cleverness to be able to conceal one’s being clever. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

226. Clever people will recognize and tolerate nothing but cleverness. – Henri Frederic Amiel 

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