How to be Vulnerable

The idea of being vulnerable to some may seem like a weakness, but in reality, vulnerability is the true measure of courage and strength. Being vulnerable might feel risky and uncomfortable at some point. However, there are plenty of rewards for vulnerability.  Moreover, vulnerability is the only way to develop intimacy and improve close relationship connections.

In this article, we explore more about vulnerability, what it entails, and some ways you can be open to vulnerability.

What is Vulnerability

As human beings, we thrive in friendships, work in groups, love as couples, and live in families.  However, due to mistrust and past pain, we’ve learned how to harden up, toughen up, and guard ourselves against hurt.  The problem with closing down our vulnerability is that you get shielded from a genuine connection, intimacy, and love.

Do you find yourself falling into boring conversations, feeling creepy when you smile at strangers, being stuck in a job you don’t enjoy, or avoiding dressing well to avoid standing out? These are signs of an inability to make yourself vulnerable.

Brene Brown, an author and vulnerability researcher, defines vulnerability as the uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risk that fuels our daily lives.

Vulnerability also involves exposing yourself in a way that could lead to uncomfortable emotions and feelings of embarrassment, shame, or self-criticism.  For example, in romantic relationships, this could mean being able to tell your partner what you need from them, owing up to the mistakes you have made, and saying I love you first.

Vulnerability is an openness to uncertainty, experiences, and people. You may find it terrifying, but it’s a brave move. When you are vulnerable, it means you’re exposing yourself to the possibility of hurt or rejection and also opening the door to the type of relationship you desire. That could be a relationship built on a deep connection, authenticity, and emotional intimacy.

Being vulnerable is critical in your dating life, career, and in connecting with the world at large.

Examples of Vulnerability

Here are some cases of what being vulnerable looks like.

Taking Responsibility Rather Than Blaming Others

Do you know someone who blames their ex for all his/her current relationship problems?  The person would experience growth if he/she acknowledged that he also played a role in his failed relationship, and things didn’t work out. It would be best to address those issues and work on the current connection. Taking responsibility gives you control of the situation.

Admitting That You are Bad at Something

Let’s face it, we all want to be perfect, but in reality, we know deep down that there’s something we’ll suck at.  If you suck at commitment, you can tell your friend about it and ask for feedback on how you can resolve this problem. Admitting your weak areas shows that you are human.

You could be wrong at connecting with your workmates, talk to someone you trust to see if they have any advice that may help. That shows confidence, and people will choose to respond in kind instead of judging you.

Telling Someone About Their Insensitivity or Hurtful Comments

Do you tend to bear it when someone throws some hurtful words to you? Sometimes it could be your spouse who is insensitive. An excellent example of vulnerability is calling someone out when they’ve crossed the line. It’s the only way to let the other person know your feelings.

Letting Someone Know That You Love/Respect/Admire Them

The ultimate form of vulnerability is telling someone you admire them, confessing your eternal love for someone, or expressing respect to your parents.  These actions can be scary as you don’t know how the other person will react. Sometimes the feelings you share may not match with theirs, which could create an imbalance. Nonetheless, being bold and saying these things exposes you and shows vulnerability on your part.

Why Is It Important to be Vulnerable?

Vulnerability means exposing your fears, thoughts, dreams, and wishes, understanding that some people may criticize or judge you for that.  Although vulnerability may seem scary, it has a lot of benefits in relationships, work, and every other aspect of your life.

Being Vulnerable Challenges you Out of your Comfort Zone

As humans, we would rather stay in a familiar space that doesn’t have challenges or any setbacks. However, sometimes this-position doesn’t contribute to our growth.  That’s why breaking out of your comfort zone leads to feelings of anxiety and stress. You’re growing when you feel vulnerable after breaking out of your comfort zone.

Vulnerability Helps you Avoid Conforming

You may be more comfortable when you fail to express your opinion at work and prefer to ride on the popular belief.  At times, you also don’t want to ask questions to your spouse for fear that doing so may lead to arguments.  Failing to be vulnerable also means you avoid talking about your emotions with people, as this may lead to criticism.

Being vulnerable challenges your confirmation bias as you’re now more comfortable to express your opinion, ask questions, and share your feelings and emotions with people.  You do this without fear of judgment and criticism, which is more fulfilling than conforming to what others think.

Pushes You to Try New Experiences

When you are vulnerable, you are open to experiences without knowing what their outcomes could be.  You could take up a dancing class that you’ve been postponing for so long,  ask your crush on a date, or move to a new city.  Studies show that experiences can boost. Person’s sense of happiness.

Vulnerability Helps You Tackle Negative Emotions

It’s normal to experience fear of rejection or be anxious about the unknown when you’re about to ask for a salary increase or ask a friend out. Being vulnerable means putting yourself out there despite the fear.  You don’t have to be fearless, but you can bear vulnerability by sticking and facing the situation rather than running.

Being Vulnerable Allows you to Build Relationships with Emotional Intimacy

A genuine connection happens when two people share the same values and can express themselves without fear of rejection.  Some people will force you to suck up your emotions and get over them. However, those who understand vulnerability are willing to listen to you as you express your feelings. Sharing vulnerability promotes tolerance.

Vulnerability also strengthens the bond you have with your romantic partner. If you hope to spend the rest of your life with some, it’s best to reveal the essential truths that would affect you later on.

Aids Motivation and Innovation

Suggesting an idea that could benefit the company means that you are demonstrating vulnerability. You may also suggest something that goes beyond the company’s traditions without fear of rejection.  Being vulnerable also allows employees to connect with their leaders and boost teamwork, which inspires innovation and engagement.  The most critical technological advancements and social reforms happened because one person was daring enough to change the world.

Allows You to Connect With Strangers

When is the last time you connected with a stranger or smiled at someone walking by?  Probably a few times to none. That’s because you are afraid of how the other person may react.  Research shows that smiling at strangers is an excellent way to increase feelings of joy and social connection. When you are vulnerable, you can start a conversation with someone in a coffee shop and not be afraid if the other person doesn’t respond.

Allows You to Embrace Your Vulnerability

Being vulnerable also allows you to embrace your vulnerability.  That means being open to experience all aspects of life without guarantee or certainty that it’s going to work out.  Brene Brown, in a 2010 Ted Talk, shared that vulnerability is the center of all progress. She termed it as a birthplace of creativity, love, and belonging.

Being vulnerable allows you to learn to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses that make you unique. Although some things may seem awkward to you, they only seem so when you don’t accept yourself.

Vulnerability Enables you to Make Peace With Your Past

When we’re closed up and would rather avoid sharing our feelings, we tend to accumulate baggage that can make life unbearable.  Being vulnerable allows you to confront your past and deal with memories you’d rather forget.  Remember that everyone has made decisions they’re not proud of, but what’s important is learning from the failure to prevent a similar mistake in the future.

Vulnerability Allows You to Attract the Right Type of People in Your Life

Do you seem to attract friends who don’t help you or build you up in life? That might be because you have conformed.  Being vulnerable makes it easier for you to understand the kind of people you relate to. You’ll be able to find someone you can trust and build a lifelong friendship without getting hurt due to betrayal or backstabbing.

Develop Empathy for Others

Once you’re vulnerable, you’re able to empathize with the struggles of others.  When you’re struggling with your problems, it’s challenging to make time to be compassionate to another person and empathize with their struggles.  Being vulnerable allows you to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around your needs and acknowledge that people are facing significant challenges.

Build Trust and Earn it From Other People

It’s easy to think that because of your hard work, your boss owes you a raise. Nonetheless, this is not always the case, especially if you have a bad working relationship with your colleagues.  Most HR managers evaluate other factors like your ability to communicate, how you work with others, and your emotional intelligence.  Being vulnerable enables you to become closer to the people at your workplace. Moreover, it creates trust on their part, which leads to a win-win situation.

You get to show that you are an approachable person who is considerate and kind.  It’s also the best way to encourage others to accept themselves.  Vulnerability allows you to humanize yourself in the eyes of others.

Why is it So Hard to Be Vulnerable?

Vulnerability is the feeling you have when you’re about to try out a new skill, express your feelings towards someone, or ask for forgiveness.  It’s normal to shy away from vulnerability. Brene Brown, in her research,  has explored a few reasons why we might shy away from vulnerability.

One of the reasons was that we often see vulnerability as a weakness in ourselves.  Although we may be open to seeing other people reveal their truth, we are afraid of what they’ll say if they see the same in us.

Vulnerability is what experts call a beautiful mess as it comes with big rewards and risks too. You risk losing a friend or damaging your reputation by putting yourself out there.  Also, there’s a possibility of being embraced by others and getting a sense of belonging by being vulnerable.

Another reason is that we view vulnerability as neediness.  If you’re used to handling things by yourself, you may not want to look or feel needy.  When we think of vulnerability, we picture a clingy type that requires a lot of content validation.

However, the reality is that vulnerability only leads to unhealthy neediness if your sense of who you are depends on people and factors beyond your control.

Vulnerability also opens us up to shame as you risk being judged by others. The truth is that shame is connected to your sense of self. If you feel worthy despite your flaws, the less power shame will have over you.

The University of Mannheim researchers sought to test out Brown’s theory, where they used qualitative interviews to understand the cause of the discrepancy. They carried out several experiments where hundreds of students imagined someone else or themselves in various vulnerable situations.

Some of these situations included admitting a mistake at work, confessing romantic feelings, baring an imperfect body at a swimming pool, and asking for help from a former boss. They were to rate the vulnerable situation as an act of strength or weakness. They were to evaluate the vulnerability as something to be avoided or something desirable.

Similar to Brown’s theory, the students interpreted the vulnerable situations differently.  They saw the situation in a positive light if another person was going through the circumstances instead of themselves.

To find out why vulnerability was admirable when someone else was involved, the researchers asked the students to determine how they pictured the scenarios.  They found out that people thought more abstractly when imagining a vulnerable situation with another person.

That means that we’re mentally distanced from the imagined scenario, something that makes us less risk verse as we tend to focus on the positives.  For example, admitting a mistake could be the right thing to do for another person, but for you, there’s a risk of losing your job if you accept your mistake. Showing vulnerability may feel like a weakness, but to others, it shows courage from the outside.

Ways on How to be Vulnerable

Vulnerability is the cornerstone of authenticity and genuine connection.  Remember that vulnerability takes courage, patience, and practice.

Here are some ways to be more vulnerable.

Define Vulnerability for Yourself

It’s essential to be clear on what vulnerability means to you instead of having a general definition.  Get to know what it would be like for you to become more vulnerable. Examine the role vulnerability played as you were growing up as this could impact your definition of vulnerability.

Understand Self-Awareness

It’s vital to know yourself to create a real connection based on vulnerability and authenticity.  You need to know your truth before you can communicate it.  Most people only react as they’re lost in automatic thoughts or their core beliefs.  Taking time to understand you, your feelings, and what makes you tick will help you through the journey of vulnerability.

You can practice self-awareness by doing things that you connect with at a natural level. That could be meditating, yoga, listening to music, or taking a walk. Doing this will allow you to be comfortable in your vulnerability.

Understand Your Intention

Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not only about saying words or letting everything hang out. Vulnerability is a process; that’s why you need to find out what you are hoping to come out of it.  Understanding your intention will make it easier for you to identify who to be vulnerable with and the way to handle it.

Know Your Triggers

Do you second guess yourself when you are about to try something outside of your comfort zone? You may be experiencing resistance. Most of the time, you’ll make up a story in your mind that you alone would believe and fail to gather the courage required to do what you want.

If you have these feelings every time you’re given a chance to be vulnerable, you need to determine what your triggers are, have a conversation with yourself, and look for ways to feel more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

You need to take responsibility for your thoughts as that’s the only way to crack open any defenses you have.

Identify Your Support System

You need to find people that you can trust as this will help you make emotionally safe and balanced decisions about vulnerability.  It’s critical to have boundaries if people don’t make space for your vulnerability to respect it.

Start Journaling

The best way to get in touch with your feelings and needs is to start journaling.  You don’t have to overthink what you write, follow the path that your mind takes you. That eliminates expectations about delivery, time, and content.  Reread what you wrote as this will help you know what you want to share and what you’d instead not share at the moment.

Start Small

Don’t be tempted to dive in headfirst when practicing how to be vulnerable.  You can start small by sharing small stuff before you go deeper. Practice makes perfect, and the more you share, the more you continue to be vulnerable.

Express Your Fears

When you are new to a job or a relationship, you always want to look your best. That means you may avoid talking about your doubts, insecurities, challenges, fears, or problems.  You want to avoid saying anything that makes you look bad.

The first step to being more vulnerable is to express and communicate all your fears and challenges with someone you trust. Sharing something that was a challenge to you gives someone a new insight into who you are as a person.

You can express your fears more by listing reasons you are afraid of being vulnerable.  Some of the reasons could be:

  • I’m afraid I can’t trust her
  • I’m scared of getting hurt
  • I’m worried I’ll look needy or weak

Practice Simple Conversations

Having conversations with people more often will make it easier for you to open up. You could start by talking to the person sitting next to you in a commute, your colleague at work, or the cashier at the convenience store.  Talking more is the only way to be comfortable around people and share. Do not put all your business out there. You can start with small things before you make more significant revelations.

Be Honest

Being vulnerable also being completely honest with who you are and being unapologetic about it.  You could share your fears with a trusted friend or talk to your partner about your trust and commitment issues.  Sharing something private about yourself leads to a connection that translates to a deeper understanding of one another.

Ask For Help

As an independent person who is used to handling your business, you may not think you need anyone’s help.  Being vulnerable means asking for help and allowing others to take care of you. Have the courage to ask for help, even with the smallest tasks.

Try New Things

Being in your comfort zone means you don’t have to go beyond your boundaries as all you want is to stay in a familiar space. However, trying something new is a great way to open yourself to vulnerability. You may not be perfect at it for the first time, but with practice, you’ll see improvements. Allowing yourself to fail enables you to practice vulnerability.

Identify People in Your Life Who are Vulnerable and Learn from Them

Go through your circle and identify people that display vulnerability. It could be your friend who asked for help dealing with relationship issues or a colleague who asked for a raise. Surrounding yourself with vulnerable people is one way to learn how to be more vulnerable and let your guard down. Moreover, being around vulnerable people gives you that safe space to share openly.

Ask for Feedback

If you have a trusted friend or coach that could give you honest feedback about your strengths and weakness, ask for it and watch how you react to what is being said. Seek to find out how you can implement the suggestions given. Vulnerability involves sharing parts of yourself with other people, so getting feedback allows you to flex this muscle.

Know Your Avoidance Tactics

When faced with challenges or a situation we’d rather avoid, we implement avoidance tactics.  However, these habits can be dangerous and unhealthy, not to mention they can prevent you from being open and vulnerable. If you are tempted towards an avoidance tactic, take time out and think of what the reason behind it may be.

Have a Conversation About your Attachment Style

Everyone has a different attachment style in romantic relationships. Your attachment style could be avoidance, while someone else’s could be anxiety where the person needs constant attention and reassurance.  Knowing your attachment style will help you learn what your barriers are and how to tackle them to open yourself to vulnerability. That will make communicating emotions and feelings with the other person easier.

Cry as Much as You Like

Crying is a powerful way to release all that painful, sad, and stressful energy, which results in a stronger spirit. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed to cry in front of others; don’t hide it from your partner. Crying shows that you are human and are capable of a range of emotions.

Avoid Expecting Positive Outcomes Every Time

Unfortunately, you may not get a positive outcome each time you are vulnerable, and this is life. Sometimes you’ll get shot down once you express your feelings or opinion.  Understand that it’s perfectly okay to get a negative outcome, and don’t dwell on that. You need to keep moving forward and work on your vulnerability regardless of your past experiences.

Final Thoughts

Opening yourself up to vulnerability is not a natural fit because it means expressing who you are without inhibitions, being comfortable with your faults and emotions, and having to admit when you are wrong. It’s a grueling process, but it’s the only way to find real connection and intimacy with all your relationships.  Genuine vulnerability represents a subtle yet profound form of power. With some of the tips listed above, you should find it simpler to be more vulnerable.

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