We need people in our corner, especially when we are going through negative life experiences. And since we know that we need people, we are well aware that others rely on us when they are experiencing drastic changes that are less than ideal. What we might not consider is that even positive life events can trigger stress and anxiety.
Learning how to be there for someone will increase the quality of your relationships and create a network that you can rely on when you need support. You might find that it even helps you feel happier.
Before Giving Advice Consider These Things
Sometimes, our friends and family come to us with problems that they can’t seem to get a handle on. Before we jump into the rescue, there are a few things you should consider before you give advice. These include:
- Brain development
- Incomplete information
- Personal bias
Brain Development
A human’s brain does not fully develop until he or she is nearly 25 years old. A person of this age has the right to make their own decisions about their life, as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or someone else. That means that even if you think what they are doing isn’t the best, they still have that right.
On the other hand, someone who is younger may be making decisions or looking at the situation from an immature perspective. You can help best by encouraging them reason more maturely, not by telling them what to do.
Having rational discussions with teenagers can be particularly tricky. They are at the age when they want to make their own decisions but may not be emotionally or mentally able to do so. As the adult in this scenario, it’s up to you to control your emotions.
Incomplete Information
No matter how long you’ve known someone nor how close you are, there is no way that you can be sure you have all the information about the other person’s situation. This information that you don’t have may have an overwhelming influence on the behavior and beliefs of the person you are trying to help.
Therefore, before rushing in with ideas and advice, take the time to understand the position the other person is in full. You can get clarity by asking open-ended questions and listening attentively to the responses. Rephrase and summarize what you have heard to clarify their thoughts.
Personal Bias
Your personal biases influence your actions and responses. These biases also impact any advice you give. If you see that you are not able to look at your friend’s situation from an impartial point of view, say so and suggest he or she find another pillar of strength that might be in a better position to assist.
You might do well to remember that not all of your decisions have been the best either. Keeping this in mind will help you not only prevent you from speaking from a position of superiority but can also enable you to share your experience honestly, making it more valuable to the person overall.
General Guidelines for Offering Support
Although there are specific actions and advice you can do for each of the situations mentioned in this article, there are some general guidelines to keep in mind when offering support.
Remember to practice active listening while empathizing with the emotions and problems of the other person. Don’t rush to give advice. It’s also important that you realize there isn’t a single solution for everyone.
Active Listening
Being fully present in the moment and listening to the other person intensely without judgment sometimes is the absolute best way how to be there for someone. As you are actively listening, you should ask clarifying and reflective questions to help you both get to the bottom of the issue.
As the listener, you should make regular summarizing comments which show the speaker that you understand what he or she is saying. Then, and only then, you can choose to share your thoughts and experiences, offering advice if asked.
Sometimes, your advice is not only not appreciated but unnecessary. Proceed with caution with your comments.
Empathize
In addition to actively listening, you can demonstrate your empathy by sharing your vulnerabilities, experiences, and expertise while offering physical contact respectfully and appropriately.
Meeting someone’s eyes during conversation and reaching out physically increase the oxytocin levels of both the speaker and listener. Oxytocin is the feel-good endorphin manufactured by our bodies. Decisions are better grounded when made from a place of wellness rather than the depths of despair.
Empathy also implies that you are not sitting in judgment. Take the time to imagine yourself in the other person’s position. Walking a mile in his or her shoes can undoubtedly change your perspective and may inspire you to find different ways that you can be of assistance.
Don’t Rush to Give Advice
Although you may be tempted to tell the other person what to do since it is so clear to you, remember that we mentioned that you might not have all the information about the situation. You may also be viewing it from the lens of your personal biases.
Use expressions like “I could be wrong but what I hear or see is….” and “Have you considered….” Maybe you could share your own experiences or the experiences of someone you know in a story, describing the outcomes but leaving the final decision or course of action up to the other person.
Concentrate on a solution that the person you are helping will be satisfied with, not one that you feel is the best. Ask, “What would make you feel better about this situation? or What would you like to happen?” Listen carefully to the responses. It may be that the other person already has several ideas in mind.
You might be able to help the other person regain some perspective as well. What may seem like an overwhelming problem today could be insignificant in a year or so. However, don’t belittle the experience by trivializing it; just look to find some balance.
There Isn’t a Single Solution for Everyone
It’s essential to keep in mind that there isn’t a single solution for everyone, and what might work for one friend might not work for another. Along the same lines, what is appropriate in one situation may not be in another.
Even two people in the same situation can find two distinct but satisfactory solutions for the same problem. Your main job when you are providing support is to do just that, support the person in finding his or her own way.
If there isn’t a clear solution, you can still be there for someone. Taking on a task or two yourself will give the other person more time to rest, reflect or catch up on any number of other activities. You could also just check in periodically through this challenging period. Perhaps you can’t help at the moment, but if the occasion arises, regular communication will facilitate your being able to help.
Negative Life Events
Adverse and traumatic life events significantly increase the probability of future illness. Negative life events also raise the occurrence of substance abuse and suicide. Our natural inclination as compassionate individuals is to reach out to someone we see is suffering. Let’s look at how to be there for someone in particular circumstances.
How to Be There for Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One in Death
We have all lost someone in death. The subsequent grief that results can be overwhelming for the survivors. In addition to actively listening when a person is talking about his or her feelings of loss, there are other activities you can do to help.
Every person grieves in his or her particular way. Some bury themselves in work while others withdraw socially. Recognize that these are coping mechanisms designed to help the grieving parent, spouse, or child find a way to live without their loved one.
You should also be aware that there is also no set time table for grief. Grieving may take more time for some than for others. Be careful not to judge someone for their method or duration of grief expression. Continue to be supportive, no matter how long it takes.
Try not to give advice either or explain away the loss. The grieving person is doing the best he or she can and hearing that “it was just their time” really doesn’t bring any consolation to the person who is grieving. Instead, offer heartfelt condolences.
There are ways you can provide specific, practical assistance to someone who is grieving. Offer to babysit or pick up some groceries or run the car to the mechanic. If you notice something that needs to be done, even a small thing like washing the dishes in the sink, do it. Your actions speak louder than words.
You should check in with the person regularly. Sometimes just knowing that someone cares enough to see how you are doing helps.
How to Be There for Someone Going Through a Break-Up
The end of a relationship elicits many emotions that are very similar to how a person might feel when they lose someone in death. Grief is a significant factor whether it’s a teenager with a broken heart or a mother of two recently divorced.
Therefore, many of the suggestions on how to be there for someone going through a break-up are the same as how you can offer support for someone who is grieving.
Helping the newly single person re-establish regular routines is one way you can be of assistance. The divorcee may have a shattered sense of identity that will need rebuilding, which can take some time. Offering your friendship, support, and shoulder to cry on may be just what he or she needs to pick themselves up and get back into the swing of things.
How to Be There for Someone Who Has Lost Their Job
The loss of a job may trigger many emotions. Not only is there grief and loss of identity, but there is an additional stressor of the financial aspect of unemployment. Active listening is the first step on how to be there for someone who has lost a job.
Helping the recently unemployed find meaning in the situation is another way to be of assistance. Most likely, the person will begin looking for a new job. Aiding them in creating an updated resume, including work experience gained from the job they have lost, is one way of finding meaning.
Encouraging the person to take a different perspective might be useful as well. They are not their job, and therefore their identity is still intact, even if it feels a bit shaky right now. Additionally, now that they have more time, you can encourage them to do something that they couldn’t when they were working like travel or projects around the house. Losing a job sometimes is a blessing in disguise.
How to Be There for Someone Going Through Economic Hardship
Even without job loss, someone you know may be struggling with their finances. Money troubles open a whole host of emotions, including shame and depression. You can be there for someone as regards to their funds by speaking with empathy.
If your friend just wants to vent about their difficulties, then you can lend a listening ear. You could also brainstorm ideas on how they could cut back on their current expenses or how they could earn a little side income. If you are qualified in the matter of finances, offer to help them create a budget.
Loaning money to someone may be the short-term solution for the problem, but you shouldn’t make a habit of it. Instead, offer to go with the person you wish to help to an economics class. Many community colleges provide budgeting classes to help individuals get a better grip on their finances. Most importantly, do not judge the person who is in financial straits. Everyone gets themselves in a financial bind now and then.
How to Be There for Someone Who Has Experienced Trauma
Traumatic events include sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, natural disasters, and accidents, among others. Knowing how to be there for someone who has experienced trauma can be life-changing for the sufferer.
You can help someone who has been through a traumatic event by giving them the space he or she needs to process the experience while showing your support through pitching in with the everyday tasks that may seem too overwhelming for them at the moment. For example, you could pick up some take-out, so they don’t have to cook.
Your friend may not wish to talk about the experience with you, and that’s ok. Encourage them to seek professional help and to take care of themselves physically and emotionally. It may take time to rediscover the joy in their formerly favorite activities. Be patient, but persistent.
If they do wish to discuss the incident, listen without judgment. Don’t feel that you need to reassure your friend constantly. Instead, acknowledge their pain, confusion, and even anger. Use rephrasing strategies to let them know that you are listening.
How to Be There for Someone Who is Ill
Illness can be life-altering. The person who isn’t feeling well might not be able to complete daily tasks during his or her illness. You can be there for this person by checking in regularly and doing what needs to be done.
Drive the ill person to doctor’s appointments. Make sure he or she has all the medication needed. Prepare some savory meals to tempt their appetite. Open the sickroom windows to bring in some air and light.
Spending time visiting is another excellent way how to be there for someone who is ill. When someone who is sick Knows that they are loved, it aids in recovery and is an essential aspect of social well-being. If the illness is terminal, sharing memories while you are able will help you through the grieving process later.
How to Be There for Someone Who is a Family Caregiver
Just because someone who is ill or infirm has a family caregiver doesn’t mean you are off the hook. Those family caregivers need your support just as much as the person they are caring for. You can offer to share their caregiving duties for a time so he or she can rest. Try to listen to their thoughts and emotions non-judgmentally if they want to talk.
Drop off some food that can be eaten whenever the caregiver has time. Bringing food that can be frozen saves him or her the effort of cooking while acknowledging that the dictates of the patient come first at times. Along the same lines, invite your caregiver friend over but be flexible if he or she can’t make it due to caregiving obligations.
Be sure that the caregiver is eating, sleeping, and generally taking care of him or herself adequately. Your loving concern will not go unnoticed.
How to Be There for Someone Who is Depressed
Depression makes it hard for someone to connect meaningfully with others. That doesn’t mean you can’t be there for someone who is depressed, however. It just means you’ll need to be patient and understanding.
It’s essential that you realize that you can’t fix a person who is depressed. You can show that you are concerned, listen when they talk, and encourage them when they feel low. Someone who is depressed may not wish to see a doctor about it. However, it never hurts to rule out physical causes of depression with a medical exam.
Depression has physical manifestations as well. Depressed individuals are often tired and lethargic. Those who are depressed may not be able to complete routine activities or look after themselves properly. You can help out with these as you are able.
Positive Life Events
Although often overlooked, positive life events also come with their stressors and demands. At times, even the most looked forward experience could be overwhelming. You can learn how to be there for someone in these instances as well.
How to Be There For Someone Who Has Graduated from School
Graduating from high school or university can be an extremely stressful period. You can be there for someone who has graduated by celebrating the end of his or her formal education while looking forward to the next step, whatever that may be.
Sometimes, it helps to take a gap year if continued education is planned for the future. Discussing options for volunteer work or travel can help solidify those ideas. If the next step is gainful employment, you can help by assisting in creating a comprehensive resume or practicing interview questions.
Being a student can become so ingrained in a person’s self-identity that it may take some time to transition to adulthood and assume those related responsibilities. Be patient and supportive as they adjust.
How to Be There for Someone Who Has Bought a House
Buying a house can be an extremely nerve-wracking experience. Not only is there an immediate financial strain, but the process of moving, settling in, and decorating can be formidable. You can help by pitching in with whatever you can.
Offer to lend a hand on moving day or pick up boxes for the new homeowner to help with packing. That first night in the new house can be exhausting. Show up with a pizza and drinks, so your friend doesn’t need to cook.
Spend the day looking for furnishings at yard sales or furniture stores. Give your opinion if you are asked, otherwise remember, it isn’t your home to decorate. Don’t become scarce on painting or cleaning days. Your efforts will be mightily appreciated.
How to Be There For Someone Who Has Been Promoted
Promotion can be a giddy experience. However, it comes with more than its fair share of problems. In addition to higher pay, there are increased responsibilities, more time commitment, and the whole learning curve to the new position.
You can be supportive of coworkers that have been promoted by helping them learn the ropes. Offer to take care of smaller tasks if you have time, freeing them up to concentrate on their new responsibilities. You can bring the newly appointed team member a cup of coffee or a light lunch if you see that he or she is overwhelmed with work and not taking proper care of their physical needs.
Sometimes, just letting the person know that they have your support can get them through this rough initial patch.
How to Be There for Someone Who Has Gotten Married
Marriage is one of the top 10 most stressful life events. It is a considerable commitment and involves changing your perspective to include that of another. If you find that someone you know is beset with emotions, they don’t know what to do with, be available to listen to their concerns.
The first three years of marriage are full of adjustments for any couple. Be encouraging but realistic with your advice. If this is a second or even third marriage for either partner, the blended family can create even more tension. You can help by offering to take the kids so the couple can spend some quality time together.
How to Be There for Someone Who Has Had a Child
New babies are demanding. Sleepless nights, feeding schedules, and the intermittent crying by both parents and baby make this scenario one that you can step right in and help out. Come over to help the new mom catch up on her chores or take the baby awhile so she can get some rest.
The emotional strains are enormous as well. You can listen attentively and share your parenting ups and downs so that these new caregivers can see that they are not alone with their struggles. You can help out financially as well with a box of diapers now and then or some hand-me-down clothes for that rapidly growing bundle of joy.
Conclusion
As you can see from the situations we mentioned, there are many things you can do to be there for someone, no matter what the circumstances. It’s important to remember that both positive and negative life events can be overwhelming. Your support in both types of situations can be invaluable to someone buried under the stress and strain.
In general, those that need your assistance will benefit most if you are open to listening, non-judgemental, and consistent with your support. You can provide emotional support through conversation, but there’s no need to stop there.
You can physically assist someone with daily tasks as well as finding a way to allow the overwhelmed individual to rest and relax, either by taking on some responsibilities yourself or by inviting him or her out.
Helping others has quite a few positive benefits for you as well. Studies have shown that volunteering can counteract the effects of anxiety, anger, and stress, combat depression, increase self-confidence, and in general, make you happier. So really, there’s no reason for you not to learn how to be there for someone.