It has been scientifically proven that laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul. Laughing reduces stress, lowers your blood pressure, a great ab workout, and it releases endorphins which are very important if you want to start your day with joy and positivity. If you’re looking for a good laugh today, check out this large list of funny quotes we’ve compiled for you and feel free to share them with your workmates, family, or friends. Enjoy!
Funny Quotes
1. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
2. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
3. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
4. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
5. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes
7. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus
8. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
9. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
10. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott
11. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. – Ambrose Bierce
12. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. – Andy Borowitz
13. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
14. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
15. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers
16. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
17. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke
18. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. – Ashleigh Brilliant
19. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
20. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
21. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill
22. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch
23. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell
24. The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. – Bertrand Russell
25. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. – Betty White
26. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher
27. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. – Bill Vaughan
28. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan
29. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson
30. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes. – Billy Connolly
31. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. – Billy Connolly
32. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. – Billy Sunday
33. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder
34. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
35. Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. – Bob Thaves
36. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. – Bryan White
37. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett
38. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. – Carl Sagan
39. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea
40. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel
41. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. – Charles de Gaulle
42. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
43. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles M. Schulz
44. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth
45. A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
46. Political correctness is tyranny with manners. – Charlton Heston
47. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – Christopher Morley
48. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. – Chuck Palahniuk
49. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow
50. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ – Claude Pepper
51. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
52. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. – Colonel Sanders
53. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’ – Conan O’Brien
54. Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’ – Conan O’Brien
55. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower
56. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
57. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. – Reba McEntire
58. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
59. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter
60. Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel
61. There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock
62. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
63. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
64. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
65. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
66. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
67. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
68. Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself. – Christina Grimmie
69. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin
70. Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. – James A. Garfield
71. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. – Winston Churchill
72. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
73. If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman
74. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
75. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
76. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
77. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields
78. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant
79. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
80. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams
81. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
82. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. – Jules Renard
83. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln
84. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams
85. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden
86. I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.
87. That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.
88. I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.
89. I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at the chocolate cake.
90. I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.
91. Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
92. If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class it never ends.
93. Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours.
94. Me: Please let me sleep. Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far.
95. What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
96. The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.
97. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s spam.
98. Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
99. Hold on, let me overthink this.
100. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
101. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. – Spanish proverb
102. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
103. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
104. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
105. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
106. I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
107. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
108. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray
109. Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton
110. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain
111. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill
112. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite
113. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
114. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
115. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. – Will Rogers
116. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
117. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
118. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
119. A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. – George Bernard Shaw
120. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
121. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright
122. The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal
123. My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. – Jimmy Carter
124. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
125. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
126. Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir
127. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. – Joan Rivers
128. When nothing is going right, go left.
129. Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
130. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
131. Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers
132. Sane is boring. – R.A. Salvatore
133. I’m addicted to placebos. – Steven Wright
134. I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. – Pablo Picasso
135. Puns are the highest form of literature. – Alfred Hitchcock
136. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
137. All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain
138. What’s another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright
139. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. – Mitch Hedberg
140. Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
141. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
142. My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
143. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
144.My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
145. I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
146. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
147. I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. – Steven Wright
148. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright
149. I wrote a few children’s books, not on purpose. – Steven Wright
150. I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny
151. I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. – Danny Zuker
152. Finally, my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
153. Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
154. My brain has too many tabs open.
155. I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
156. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers
157. I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
158. Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I feel it all the time.
159. If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while, it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
160. I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are.
161. In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. – Aparna Nancherla
162. You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than I am.
163. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
164. You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
165. I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode.
166. I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.
167. What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
168. Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. – Beth McCollister
169. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield
170. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield
171. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. – Rodney Dangerfield
172. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
173. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg
174. I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. – Mitch Hedberg
175. What a nice night for an evening. – Steven Wright
176. I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
177. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? – Steven Wright
178. I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. – Steven Wright
179. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. – Steven Wright
180. Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
181. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
182. Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. – Otto von Bismarck
183. It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves. – Franz Kafka
184. Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time. – Wendy Mass
185. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
186. As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
187. Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
188. Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.
189. If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
190. I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
191. I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature.
192. Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I’m ducking so it hits someone else.
193. I hate it when people ask me to watch their stuff. Like what happens if someone comes and actually tries to steal it? Do I have to fight them? I’m not ready.
194. Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.
195. That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.
196. Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
197. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
198. “Well, at least I don’t have to wake up anymore.” Is what I want my tombstone to say.
199. The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.
200. I know some people don’t like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
201. Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
202. Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
203. Never forget those who helped you along the way. Google, Wikipedia, and Dictionary.
204. I used to think I was indecisive, but I’m not too sure anymore.
205. The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out.
206. Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
207. When someone asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Buddy, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
208. Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, I was hungry, and that’s what happened to all your chocolate.
209. I tried counting sheep so I can fall asleep but that got boring, so I started talking to the shepherd instead.
210. Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog. So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
211. I don’t understand people who say “I don’t know how to thank you.” Like they never heard of money.
212. I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.
