We’ve all been selfish at some point in our lives. Maybe it’s something you’re commonly accused of doing. Or it could just happen occasionally. Regardless, everyone could use a lesson in how to be less selfish. Whether you realize it or not, we all have selfish tendencies. We’ve got some suggestions to help you learn how to be less selfish.
What is Selfishness?
When you’re acting selfishly, you care only about yourself and what you want. It doesn’t matter what you have to do to get it, even if it means hurting other people. We often don’t realize we’re even being inconsiderate. We’re just used to getting our way so much that it’s expected.
For a job promotion, we’re willing to be cut-throat, slamming our competitors’ names and work. When we are attracted to a person, we have no qualms about making our competition look as bad as possible. We’ve all seen the movie Mean Girls. Some people don’t know how to think of others before themselves.
Some people only have slight selfish tendencies. Maybe you’re a bit greedy. I’m a Pepsi addict, so no one in my house, including my boyfriend, is allowed to have one of my drinks. Other people have a mental disorder called narcissism, which makes them incapable of considering anyone besides themselves.
Why is Selfishness Bad?
When you act selfishly, you’re thinking of yourself over everyone else. If you’re not careful, you can end up hurting someone with your behavior. For instance, I have four children for whom I’m fully responsible. Their dad isn’t in the picture. I go without a lot of luxuries so I can make sure they are taken care of. This is the opposite of selfishness. This would be considered selfless.
When you’re a parent, you have to be selfless to the point that you would sacrifice everything you want to provide for your children. But not everyone knows how to act this way. Some people are too greedy to understand how to think about what other people might need.
People with narcissistic tendencies, for example, don’t understand how to consider the needs of others. My ex is a narcissist, which made life a living hell. Despite being the father of four children, his wants came first. He would spend his entire paycheck on a night out with his friends, even though he knew the house payment was due, and the kids needed new clothes.
When you act selfishly, you’re getting what you want, even if it means other people are getting the short end of the stick. You don’t consider the consequences of your actions. Or how your behavior affects those around you. Selfish behavior is harmful to everyone, including yourself.
Not all Selfish is Bad
Everyone has selfish tendencies. And sometimes, that’s not a bad thing. If we weren’t a little selfish, we’d never have anything we want. The key is to know how to control your selfish behavior so that when you are going after something you want, you don’t hurt other people.
There are times when you should be selfish. As a mom, I devote every second of my time and energy to my children. But any parent will tell you that sometimes, you have to take a break so you can care for yourself. So, selfishly, I get my parents to babysit my kids for a few hours or even overnight, so my boyfriend and I can do something fun together. But my children have a blast with their sleepover, so it’s not harming them one bit.
Selfishness doesn’t have to be bad if you know how to use it properly. It’s good to have goals. To have things that you want. And it’s possible to obtain those things without having to act too selfishly. Just remember that you should never hurt others to get your way.
Three Types of Selfishness
Psychology has determined that there are three different types of selfishness in which we might engage. We all have selfish tendencies at some point in our lives. Sometimes, it’s a necessary evil, such as getting free time for some much-needed relaxation. Other times, it’s harmful to those around you. The types of selfishness are:
- Bad selfishness
- Neutral selfishness
- Good selfishness
Bad selfishness occurs when you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get your way. You don’t mind playing dirty. You don’t stop to think if your behaviors will affect others. People who are acting selfishly in a lousy manner don’t consider anything but their own desires. Narcissism is a form of severe bad selfishness.
Neutral selfishness means that no one else is affected by your desires. You can reach your goals without harming anyone. Maybe it’s because you’ve considered the scenario to find the best outcome. Or it could be that the situation doesn’t have a wrong side that would impact others. Taking a long hot bath or having a glass of wine are great examples.
Now, when good selfishness is involved, it means that the situation works out well for both parties. Let’s say you have a classic hot rod you’ve restored, and now you have your eye on a new one. The owner happens to value your ride so you make an equal and beneficial swap. Me arranging for my kids to stay with my parents is another example. I get free time and they get the joy of having quality bonding time with their grandparents. And my parents benefit as well since there’s nothing they love more than spoiling their grandkids. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
How to Be Less Selfish
No one wants to be selfish. We want to be able to take care of those around us. We don’t want to hurt our friends, our family, or even our co-workers. But in this dog eat dog world, sometimes it feels like if you don’t take what you want, you get run over by the world. Life isn’t for the faint of heart. Being a good person doesn’t always get you where you need to be.
We’ve become programmed to believe that ambition is an admiral quality. That you should want to obtain your goals, no matter the cost. But in reality, if you step on other people to get what you want, you often feel bad about your actions later. If you don’t, then you might have narcissistic tendencies, which would require the intervention of a mental health professional. It is a severe condition for which far too many people don’t seek treatment.
If you’ve noticed that you’re behaving in a selfish manner that is hurting others, don’t stress. You’re not a bad person. With work, you can learn how to be less selfish. It will require you to be observant of your behaviors and thoughts. Here are some tips on how to be less selfish.
Learn to Listen
One of the main problems we all face is that we don’t know how to communicate effectively. When we converse with each other, we’re so focused on what we want to achieve that we tend to ignore everything we’re hearing. We disagree with the other person, simply because they do not agree with what we desire.
If you want to learn how to be less selfish, learn how to listen to others actively. Give them your full attention. Listen to what they’re saying and reflect on it before you respond. Try to relate to what is being said. See their point of view in comparison to your own. Don’t interrupt while you’re talking. Wait until it’s your turn to respond.
Be Empathetic
If you want to learn how to be less selfish, you have to know how to feel empathy for others. Empathy means that you show compassion for their situation. You sympathize with their problems and want to help. Once you’ve developed the ability to listen actively, you can strengthen your selflessness skills by being empathetic to what you’re hearing.
We all go through different life experiences, which makes us capable of dealing with various situations. It can be challenging to understand a topic you’re not familiar with. Addiction is a perfect example. Many people can’t comprehend the challenges of kicking a habit and staying clean unless you’ve been through it. Even if you don’t understand the situation, or even agree with it, you can still show sympathy and compassion for the difficulties a person is going through. You will be able to understand their emotions.
Observe Your Thoughts
Most of the time, we act selfishly without even realizing it. We’re used to getting what we want because things are easy to obtain. When we desire something that we don’t have, we do what it takes to get it, without thinking of the consequences.
To be less selfish, learn how to observe your thoughts. Are you thinking of doing something questionable in order to get what you’re wanting? Will you be hurting someone in the process of getting your way? Is there a different path you could take to get the same results without hurting people? When you learn to observe your thoughts, you learn how to act more selflessly.
Learn to Donate
One of the best ways to not be selfish is to learn how to do things for others. When you help someone else, it lets you forget about your own petty problems, which often aren’t as bad as you think. It can make you feel good to do good for people who are less fortunate for yourself. You’ll realize you’re a lot luckier than you think.
When you learn to help others, you break the cycle of being selfish because you often realize how greedy you’re being. Consider donating money to a charity that you believe in. I always support the American Cancer Society and St. Jude, two remarkable foundations. To really get inspired, consider volunteering your time to help out at a hospital, soup kitchen, homeless shelter, or church mission.
Improve Your Family Ties
Life can be lonely if you’re going through it by yourself. Family is one of the most important things you can have in your life. And they’re not always related to you by blood. A reliable support system can help you get through the ups and downs of this journey we call life. I couldn’t imagine where I would be if I didn’t have amazing parents and close-knit family members.
If you want to reduce your selfishness, reach out to your family. They’re the people who know us best. They will support you when you’re down on your luck, but they’ll also call you out when you’re messing up. You can count on your family to tell you if you’re acting like a horse’s butt when you’re acting selfishly. They’ve had plenty of experience dealing with your behaviors as you were growing up. No one is more selfish than a child with their belongings.
Stay in Touch with Friends
It’s essential to have a good relationship with your family if you want to live a happy, unselfish life, but you also need to have friends. No one expects you to win the Congeniality Award and have hundreds of friends. But it is crucial that you at least one person you can turn to.
Part of being a friend is helping them when they have problems, just as they do for you. Investing your time and energy into another person can make you act less selfishly. You think of people other than yourself. Your friends will also help you practice selflessness because you’ll often do things for them, even if it’s not your thing.
Be Neighborly
Another way to practice being less selfish is to be a good neighbor. Most people couldn’t tell you a single thing about the person they live next door to. So it’s easy to feel selfish with strangers. Maybe you don’t feel bad about letting your friend take over your neighbor’s parking spot. Or you blast your music loud at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday night.
When you get to know the people who live around you, you develop a healthy sense of respect. You learn that the guy next store who’s always grouchy when you run into him at one in the afternoon works the night shift, and your exercise routine every morning disturbs his nightly sleep. Knowing your neighbors lets you stop being selfish by making adjustments for their comfort.
Put Others First
Life is hectic. You get so caught up in the day to day living, trying to be time for everything, get everything done before the day is over. It’s easy to lose track of everything but yourself and your own life. When you practice being less selfish, you start to learn how to focus on others instead.
Instead of focusing on your own problems, your personal life all the time, stop and pay attention to the people around you. Are there things they need that you could provide? Your romantic partner is a great example. Too often, we forget to worry about the needs of others. Stop being selfish and make sure that your loved ones are getting what they need from you.
Lose the Ego
A big part of selfishness is that you have an inflated sense of self-worth. You think that you’re the best. No one else matches your skills, no matter what it is. You’re the best at your job, at every hobby you try. It can be hard not to feel cocky. And it’s even harder to admit when you don’t have something under control.
If you want to live a life without selfishness, you have to learn how to lose the ego. Admit that you’re not perfect. None of us are. Stop bragging about all the things you admire about yourself. Focus on letting other people show what they’re good at, even if it means they don’t do it as well as you.
Do Something Nice
Too often in life, we forget to acknowledge those around us. It could even be people who play a role in our life that are almost strangers, such as the funny security guard at work or the store clerk on the corner who always remembers your deli order. We’re too caught up in our own lives to take the time to show appreciation.
Each day, find a way to be kind to someone, even a stranger. Hold the door open for someone. Smile at a person you’re passing on the street. Compliment someone on their shoes or hair. Pay for a stranger’s coffee. Give up your seat on the subway. You don’t have to make grand gestures. When you do something nice for someone else, you’re adding coins into your feel-good piggy bank. The world smiles favorably on people who care about others.
Show Appreciation
When you’ve got a reliable support system in place, you have the luxury of knowing that you’ve got backup whenever you need it, no matter what. Too often, it’s easy to take advantage of our loved ones’ willingness to be there for us through thick and thin. It almost seems like you’re entitled to it.
But you’re not. No one is required to help you. People do it out of the goodness of their hearts, even if they don’t receive the appropriate gratitude. Make sure the people who are there for you know how much you appreciate them. Send them a small gift, like flowers or a fruit basket. Write a handwritten thank-you note. Just say the words in person. The delivery isn’t as important as the sentiment. If you want to be selfless, learn to be appreciative of the people in your life.
Give Up Control
For some people, giving up control is impossible. It makes them feel unsettled and uncomfortable. I used to be like this for a while after escaping a traumatic marriage. When you’re in control, you have the power. But when you’re in control, it’s easy to fall into the role of being selfish. You make plans based on what would make you comfortable, without considering if it’s acceptable for others.
To be less selfish, learn how to relinquish control to others. Let someone else decide where you’re going to eat. Watch a movie that someone else picks. Be willing to go along with other people’s ideas instead of forcing them to do what you want. If you’re not responsible for making sure things are going the way you want, you’re free just to enjoy your time.
Compromise
If you want to be more selfless, learn how to make compromises. Instead of expecting everything to go the way you want, learn how to be considerate of others as well. You don’t have to be submissive and not get anything you want. But you don’t have to get it your exact way either.
Compromising allows everyone to get something they want, even if it’s not everything they desired. Instead of making one person happy, find a way to make the situation work for everyone. It helps to keep the selfishness to a minimum, both from yourself and your companion.
See Other People’s Points of View
We’re all guilty of being pig-headed at some point or another in our lives. We get this idea in our head and nothing we hear or see can make us change our minds. You often see this in bad relationships, when someone is being told their partner is unhealthy but they refuse to listen. I’m certainly guilty of that particular situation.
Instead of getting distraught when someone tells you something you don’t like to hear, stop for a moment. Try to consider things from their point of view. Things are rarely black and white. Instead of staying locked into your mindset, take time to listen to what your companion is saying. See stuff from where they’re standing. Walk a mile in their shoes. Be selfless enough to consider their side of things.
Be Okay with Not Being in the Spotlight
Part of being selfish is that we often try to keep the attention on ourselves. If your friend is going through a bad breakup, you turn the conversation to your own heartbreak. When someone talks about something they’ve achieved, you’re there to throw your own accomplishments in the ring.
If you want to live a life of selflessness, start by learning that it’s okay for someone else to get the attention. Instead of trying to put your personal experience in the ring, be a good person. Let them have their moment of glory. Celebrate their news. Help them grieve. Do whatever they need to make them feel better, without it being about you.
Improve Your Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence allows you to know how to respond in different situations. You can work a room and blend in with the people around you. You know how to behave appropriately. It also means you have full control of your emotions.
There are ways you can improve your emotional intelligence. All of the tips we provide in this guide are also recommendations for how to have a strong EI. Once you train your mind to be more mindful of others, acting less selfish comes much easier, if not naturally.
Keep Your Emotions in Check
Emotions are a necessary part of your life. Without the ability to feel emotions, you would never be able to enjoy life. Without knowing what sadness feels like, you wouldn’t be able to experience happiness. But feelings are messy. They can make us act irrationally and abruptly.
If you want to be less selfish, learn how to control your emotions. When you’re upset, isolate yourself, so you don’t take your feelings out on innocent people. Use breathing techniques to calm down when you get worked up. And never fight when you’re under the influence of your emotions. Anger often makes you ruthless. You could end up saying things you don’t mean but that you can’t take back.
Know Your Stressors
We all have things that make us feel selfish. Maybe you have a shoe obsession, and you’re always buying new ones, even though you haven’t worn half the pairs you own. Or perhaps you like going out to party at the hottest clubs in town. Despite the fact that your friends or partner hates loud, crowded places.
When you know what stressors you have that often make you act selfishly, you can make changes. You become aware of your tendencies so that when the situation arises, you know to alter your behavior so that you act less selfishly.
Life is Better when You’re Less Selfish
No one wants to be the bad guy who always gets what they want without regard for others. You want to be someone who knows how to be considerate of others. You want to be someone who is known for being selfless, not selfish. If you follow our suggestions, you can learn how to be less selfish. When you figure out how to care more about other people than yourself, you can be truly happy.