Mindfulness is a crucial component of any kind of relationship. The ability to recognize that someone else is important, present, and needs your attention is critical to being successful in partnerships, marriages, and more. Likewise, learning to be more mindful will only help to strengthen your bonds and deliver overall happiness for all involved.
What is Mindfulness
In its purest form, mindfulness is a state of being conscious or aware of something. This doesn’t sound like a concept that needs to be flushed out, so let’s move on to the next definition. Mindfulness is also a quality of being that achieves high levels of focus on the present moment. It means that you are very aware of your surroundings with calm attention as well as accepting of feelings, thoughts, and sensations.
Based on that definition, it seems that mindfulness can play a significant role in our relationships.
In our world today, there tends to be a significant focus on the self: self-care, self-reliance, and general selfishness. But our relationships need mindfulness to thrive, and that comes from the exact opposite of selfishness. It comes from being genuinely interested, being non-judgmental, being fully present, and genuinely caring.
As human beings, we all come fully equipped with the ability to be mindful. We can be aware of someone’s busy schedule, mindful of when the dishwasher needs to be emptied, cognizant in our listening, and conscious of other people’s feelings.
While this trait is innate, it’s not always easy. Sometimes we have to practice to get better at it, and what better area to improve our mindfulness than in our relationships?
How Does Mindfulness Impact Our Relationships?
Many experts believe that mindfulness can either save or ruin your relationship. If you lack mindfulness, it can destroy your relationships. If you actively pursue mindfulness and demonstrate it on a regular basis, it can save your relationships.
Couples who practice mindfulness are often much happier in their relationships and also show signs of healthier levels of stress. This is because it is a compassionate practice. Increasing our general awareness of another person can impact so many areas of our relationships. And, being aware of the emotions involved in a situation without letting them overwhelm you can ease tension and calm a storm in the making.
In fact, mindfulness is a tool that helps us face our daily challenges, and we all know that relationships are not without their problems. It allows us to think clearly and respond in kind and loving ways. But it also helps up to recognize the signs going on with our partners as well.
When we are in the moment, fully present, and wholely aware, we can see everything. Some of you may be longing for a partner that sees you, and others of you aren’t really sure what that even means.
What does mindfulness look like in a relationship? It might seem like the ability to stop and think before speaking. With mindfulness at the forefront, we may be able to control our desire to spout off whatever emotions are lying at the surface. This can save a lot of hurt and keep in words that are not productive or uplifting.
Mindfulness can also look like the ability to forgive and recognize that everyone makes mistakes. It’s understanding when someone is truly sorry and being able to have clarity in our compassion and love for that person.
Mindfulness in relationships might also be merely listening. The idea of having someone who actively listens and engages in conversation with us sounds lovely. When we are mindful listeners, we can learn new things about our partners, ask questions to encourage openness, and feel the bond of trust that allows for deep conversations.
Mindfulness is also a recognition of sorts. It’s the ability to see someone you love and tell them how you feel. It’s also the ability to show them in ways that they will appreciate, all while demonstrating that you are grateful to have them in your life.
As you can see, mindfulness touches our relationships on several levels, so it’s important that we look into ways that we can be more mindful of improving and growing with our loved ones.
Ways of Being More Mindful in a Relationship
Whether we are talking about a romantic relationship, a friendship, a working relationship, or a friendship, relationships of all shapes and sizes require mindfulness. Here are a few techniques and ideas you can put into practice to be more mindful of your relationships.
Embrace Imperfection
Let’s just air this out in the open right now: nobody is perfect. Not a single soul on this planet is a perfect person, and none of us ever will be. Most of us can’t even think of something that’s not a human that is perfect. Perfection is not something that you should measure your loved ones against because they will disappoint you every time.
And likewise, you will disappoint your loved ones, too.
Everyone is going to make mistakes, especially in a relationship. Both you and your partner, friend, spouse are going to mess up, hurt feelings, and cause bad things to happen. The important thing is that your mistakes and imperfections do not make you a bad person. We need to accept this about ourselves, but we also need to realize this about our relationships.
Nothing crushes a relationship more than someone who doesn’t allow for imperfection. In a relationship, we need to be understanding, forgiving, and graceful, and all of that happens when we learn to embrace imperfection rather than strive for perfection.
When we harp on our loved ones for their mistakes, we foster an environment of fear, pain, and distrust. We weaken our connections to others because they do not want to disappoint us, and they know that they will mess up again.
Instead, try embracing imperfection. Display compassion to your loved ones in order to grow in your relationship and become more mindful.
If you’re unsure how to fight off the part of you that is easily disappointed, try practicing by turning it on yourself. Think about some way that you fall short in your relationship. When you think about it, take note of how it makes you feel. Then, recognize that although your thoughts are telling you that you’ve failed, you are doing the best that you can. Comfort yourself with that feeling and embrace your own imperfections. You will find that once you can do it for yourself, it will be easier to do it for others.
Listen Intently
Mindful listening is a huge component of any successful relationship. Without solid communication and genuine interest in conversations, we couldn’t form strong bonds and build significant trust.
Mindfulness, in general, has a lot to do with listening. Because mindfulness has to do with being present and aware, observing your surroundings, and participating, listening proves to be key.
Though it sounds like an obvious thing to do when being mindful, we often take listening for granted. Our days are so jam-packed with events, meetings, and plans that we hardly take any real time to listen to one another.
Not to mention, technology and our own self-interests often keep us distracted, so even when we’re in a position to actively listen, we don’t.
Additionally, other things get in the way of listening. Our emotions can sometimes keep us from even wanting to listen. This frequently happens when two people get into an argument. When you are angry with your spouse, you tend not to want to listen to them. Cranky children don’t want to listen to their parents. We put a wall up, and there’s no going around it.
But what we might not realize is how that affects our relationships around us. Someone who feels unheard can lead a very lonely life. When you talk and talk but feel like your spouse isn’t listening, it can be hurtful and devastating in a marriage.
Not only should we listen to show mindfulness, but we should listen intently and with great curiosity. That means participating, not just sitting quietly and staring at someone while they speak. Ask questions, throw in comments, and nod along to show the other person that you are there with them, present in the moment and aware of what they are saying.
Communicate Boldly
Relationships that remain surface level are hardly relationships at all. Some of us can recount “friends” that we partied with in college but can’t even remember their last name or what their major was. On the other end of the spectrum, some of us have lifelong friends who have shared with us their deepest thoughts, wildest dreams, and darkest secrets.
This comes with clear, courageous, and bold communication.
When we are vulnerable with someone, we hold nothing back. This kind of communication is the kind that builds the foundation for significant relationships. It is a sign of distinguished trust and loyalty.
Later on in relationships, bold communication can come in the form of talking about something that might be uncomfortable. In a marriage, it might be easier to let a hurtful situation slide on by, but unresolved issues can snowball quickly, hurting the relationship more so in the long run.
When we communicate even the hard things with courage, we not only can work together to solve the issue at hand, but we are letting our partner know that we trust them with our feelings and believe in their ability to understand and listen to us.
Communicating goes hand-in-hand with listening, of course. Expressing our deepest concerns, fears, and pain means nothing if nobody is listening. But we need to be okay with sharing our heart with our loved ones, as well as receiving theirs when they need to get something off of their chest.
The best way to practice this mindfulness in relationships is to simply try opening up about something that has been on your mind. Take some time to yourself to figure out if there is something that has been bothering you that you have shoved aside for fear of an awkward or hurtful conversation. If it helps, you can even write it down.
Once you have identified something, try to analyze the root of the problem and why it made you feel the way you did. Maybe it was something as simple as the wrong use of tone or words when asking for something.
Prepare yourself for the conversation ahead of time. Nothing is worse than going into an issue hotheaded and full of emotion but with no clear vision of the problem. You need to know what the problem is, why it bothered you, and maybe even how it can be fixed. And you should never try to solve a problem in a relationship while your emotions are high.
When you approach your loved one, explain to them that you’d like to have an honest conversation about something that has been on your heart, and ask them to listen at first simply. Explain everything we just stated above, and then give them the same opportunity to respond. They may have had no idea that you felt this way about your situation, so be sure to be forgiving and gracious and give them as much time as they need. After all, you have been thinking about this for quite some time.
Be bold, but be kind and understanding. This will help you strengthen the mindfulness in your relationships.
Demonstrate Appreciation
Have you ever felt underappreciated? There are different kinds of hurt in this world, but nothing hits home quite like feeling someone takes you for granted.
When we feel unappreciated, it’s almost as if someone in our life could easily live without us. It doesn’t seem to matter how much we do for them; they don’t recognize it, appreciate, say thank you, or try to return the favor. We can go on doing what we’re doing, but it can be extremely exhausting to do everything for someone who doesn’t care to see it.
Affirming words can be so effective in a relationship. Whether it’s coming up with creative compliments or a simple “I love you,” we all like to hear nice things aimed in our direction. The laundry has to be folded regardless of it you get praise or not, but it’s super encouraging to hear your spouse say, “thank you so much for making sure I always have clothes for work!”
Demonstrating appreciation in a relationship fosters such a positive atmosphere. It really comes down to this: it makes us feel good! And if you’re working on being more mindful in your relationship, then you should be mindful of the fact that building up your partner is good for them, for you, and for the two of you together.
This kind of mindfulness in relationships can also help someone overcome a bad habit or a struggle they have been having. If your spouse wants to lose weight but has no time, you can show your appreciation for their efforts and healthy desires by taking on one of their chores or watching the kids so they can hit the gym for an hour.
Even small things apply here. You’ve been hounding your husband since the day you got married to put his dishes in the dishwasher instead of throwing them in the sink for you to take care of. If you notice him putting his dishes in the dishwasher, you should recognize and appreciate that. Say a quick thank you, even if it feels silly.
One of the best benefits of being appreciative is that its an action that tends to be contagious. Try it out. Look for things to be intentionally grateful for in your relationships for the next week. You’re likely to catch a few smiles, sense an air of greater positivity, and I’ll bet you even get a few more thank yous directed at you as well.
However, while you test this theory, be careful not to latch onto any unfair expectations. Your first and foremost approach should be selfless, and the goal should be the happiness of the other person. It’s unfair of you to secretly think that your appreciation should be reciprocated, but you should bask in the moment if it does happen.
Forgive Easily
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to conquer. We learn as children that when someone says sorry, we accept their apology and move on, forgiving them at that moment.
When we get older, it’s not always that clear cut and simple.
When someone hurts us, really hurts us; it can be so hard to forgive them. Many of us think that forgiving someone excuses their actions, while others define forgiveness as offering a clean slate like nothing ever happened.
Truth be told, forgiveness is sometimes neither of those things.
Small instances of hurtfulness, forgetfulness, and crankiness can usually be forgiven easily. Our friend might snap at us during a bad day, and we can forgive them moments later, and it will never be brought up again. Your husband might have forgotten to stop at the grocery store on his way home like you’d asked, but you know it’s not the end of the world, and you can forgive that too.
Situations that involve deep emotional wounds can be tougher to forgive so quickly, though. We may need more time to process an apology and heal. A significant other betraying our trust in some way might not be easy to forgive, no matter how sincere the apology.
Though forgiveness can be hard in certain circumstances, it is not impossible, and showing forgiveness demonstrates great mindfulness in relationships.
We already talked about embracing imperfection, so we know that our relationships are going to disappoint us. Understanding this is a key step in being able to forgive. It doesn’t excuse our actions, but it does set the scene and paints us all as people who will, at some point, need to be forgiven graciously.
If you find yourself having a hard time forgiving someone, you can try out the “forgive, investigate, and invite” method.
This tactic is super helpful because it begins with the intention to forgive yourself first. If you can’t forgive yourself, you can’t forgive anyone else properly. Make that clear to yourself from the start rather than resisting the idea of forgiveness altogether. Come to terms with the fact that you can’t change the past, and you can’t undo the damage that has been done – you can only try to move past it.
Then, investigate where you went wrong. Go over the situation in your mind and nail down where it all went off track. Was it something you said or something you did? Maybe it was something that you didn’t do. Define what it was so that you know what you are forgiving.
Finally, invite yourself to repair the damages. Once you have worked the situation over in your mind, you can move on to fix it with those involved. Come up with a strategy to fix what’s been broken and put it into practice with conviction and true humility.
From there, you can switch gears in your mind to always incline towards forgiveness. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive without thinking; it simply means you understand that we all make mistakes and that you have the ability to grant someone another opportunity.
Offering Unending Support
Support means a lot in a relationship. You can support your spouse’s career, your best friend’s relationship, and your children’s decisions. Support involves the spirit of generosity, as you are giving and sharing time, effort, values, and sometimes even money. And of course, generosity is one of the core values of mindfulness.
Lending support in a relationship can mean a number of things. Your wife might get offered her dream job, but it means a move across the country. You can huff and puff and tell her how inconvenient and hard this is for you, or you can be supportive by telling her to chase her dreams and that you’re right behind her the whole way.
Being supportive can also mean just showing up. Go to your best friend’s college graduation, root for your kids at their football games, and watch your brother perform in another community theater play. Often times, just being there is enough to show your support for a loved one.
Support can also look like listening, which is another mindfulness skill in relationships that we already mentioned. When your loved one is going through a tough time, they might need a compassionate and understanding ear to listen to their troubles and talk them through the rough spots.
Financial support comes into play in relationships, too. Sometimes a husband feels supported by his wife when she demonstrates an understanding of a budget. Friends can show support by realizing not everyone has the same access to funds for the fanciest vacation or dinner ideas.
Being supportive sometimes entails sacrifice on our end, but we do so in a relationship because it shows mindfulness, oneness, and unending love. We support one another through the good times and the bad, and sometimes our support is all that is getting the other person through a hard time.
Make Room for Fun
How often, in our everyday lives, do we consciously think about going out and having some fun? Between work, kids, school, relationships, and the stress of bills, it seems like there’s not a lot of room for fun in the mix.
But contrary to popular belief, fun is a vital component of not just our everyday lives, but in being mindful in a relationship.
You may have heard it said that you should never stop dating your partner, no matter how long you have been together. Whether it’s been two years of serious dating or ten years of marriage; dating and fun should never drift far from your relationships.
Fun is more intentional and mindful than you might think. Early on in our relationships, fun comes naturally, because it’s simply fun to learn all the new things about a new person and impress them with exciting dates and outings. You may have even engaged in a few tickle fights or pillow fights back in the day.
Later on, when things get less exciting, and life gets more serious, fun becomes something that you have to plan. In most cases, planning and fun don’t seem like two words that should go together. And perhaps that’s why we don’t plan fun.
It’s a fact of life that we forget to have fun. We plan everything else but don’t plan an outing to enjoy. Start planning some fun things in your relationship to show how mindful you are of the precious moments and fantastic memories they will bring.
Get together with the other half of your relationship and brainstorm a list of fun things for you to do, then pick one and get started. Spread them out over the next year, take lots of pictures, and notice all the changes you see in your mindfulness and your relationship.