Although some people may be natural social butterflies, other people must practice and even learn how to be more outgoing. While there’s nothing wrong with being introverted, the ability to easily make friends and initiate conversation can be extremely beneficial.
Even if you aren’t a natural when it comes to social situations, the good news is that there are several strategies you can use to become more outgoing.
Recognize Your Own Insecurities
The first step to becoming more outgoing is recognizing what’s holding you back. Many people might be nervous about interacting with new people because they aren’t sure what to say or they’re worried that the other person won’t like them. If you aren’t careful, these insecurities can prevent you from making connections that could last a lifetime. Fortunately, there are a few ways you can begin to overcome these insecurities:
Make a List of Your Positive Qualities
It’s easy to identify your negative qualities, but people often fail to see their positive attributes. There’s a reason why you’ve been able to make friends in the past—people enjoy your personality.
If you aren’t sure what you have to offer people, try making a list of your positive qualities. No positive quality is too small or too big to note. Once you begin to examine yourself, you might notice that you’re always reliable or the people around you are always laughing at your jokes.
Make a List of What You Want to Improve
Once you’ve made a list of the positive qualities that you already have, it’s time to consider your insecurities. However, instead of looking at the things you can’t change (such as where you live or what you look like), try focusing on areas of your life you want to improve on.
You might realize that you struggle to make small talk or that you’re always overthinking everything you say. After you know what these problem areas are, you can work on improving them and becoming more outgoing.
If you aren’t sure what you need to improve on, you can always ask a trustworthy friend or family member for constructive criticism. They might have observed something about your social skills that you haven’t noticed. Remember that constructive criticism is a positive thing—it’s important not to take any of this feedback too personally.
Start With a Few Small Steps
One of the issues with becoming more outgoing is that it can feel like a massive goal. Even if you know what specific areas you want to work on, you still might not be sure where to start.
To avoid getting stressed out or quitting too early, try taking small steps. If you try and do too much too soon, you could end up frustrating yourself and taking longer to accomplish your original goals. Here are a few small steps you can try and make:
Make a Good First Impression
One of the best ways to start a social interaction off on the right foot is by nailing that first impression. First impressions are powerful, and they have the potential to make or break a relationship before it even starts.
For instance, let’s say that you’re meeting a new friend for lunch. Your alarm didn’t go off, and you ended up over-sleeping and showing up fifteen minutes late. Although you might show up on time next time (and the time after that), your friend might still think of you as someone who struggles to be punctual. It’s still possible to overcome a bad first impression, but it can take time to do so.
When you know you’re going to walk into a new social situation—whether it be a party, meeting a new friend, or even a job interview—it’s important to focus on that first impression. Patti Wood, a body language expert, advises people to do one thing when they meet someone new. When you’re about ten or fifteen feet away from the person, briefly flash your eyebrows upwards. Then, when you get closer, extend your palm for a handshake.
According to Wood, this will make you appear more friendly to the other person. Extending your hand before you reach the person can also prevent you from looking hesitant or unsure. While these actions might not be much (and might not be appropriate in every single casual situation), they can be a good starting place.
If you’re worried about making a positive first impression, you can always practice what you want to say beforehand. Not only will this stop you from “freezing” or looking like a deer in headlights, but you’ll also feel more confident if you already have a plan in place. For instance, if you’re going on a date, you can always think about a few questions to ask the person while you’re there.
First impressions aren’t always completely in your control, and they aren’t necessarily a breaking point. Just because you showed up a few minutes late or said the wrong thing doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed before it starts. A good first impression can be beneficial, but your behavior over time is what truly matters.
Make One New Friend
When people think of someone who is outgoing, they might picture a charming extrovert who is surrounded by friends. Although it’s possible to make that picture a reality, it doesn’t happen all at once. Often, the best first step that you can make toward becoming more outgoing is just making one new friend.
This person could be a classmate, co-worker, or even just someone that you encounter in a grocery store or coffee shop. Focusing on one person can prevent you from becoming socially exhausted too quickly or feeling overwhelmed.
Once you’ve established a relationship or friendship with that person, you can work on making another friend and then another. Over time, your social circle will continue to grow until you’re surrounded by people you feel comfortable with.
If you do try and make friends with a stranger you meet in the street or in a coffee shop, it’s best to try and find someone you know you’ll have something in common with. You’ll already have things in common with a classmate or a co-worker, but not every stranger you meet might share a common interest or hobby. For example, you might have a much easier time making friends with a cashier who works at your favorite music shop than a casual stranger who’s walking on the street.
Don’t Forget to Pace Yourself
It’s tempting to try and tackle new social situations all at once, but it’s important to pace yourself too. People who are naturally introverted often struggle with large crowds or meeting new people much more than extroverts do.
This is because social situations tend to drain introverts rather than energize them. If you’ve ever felt exhausted after a night of hanging out with friends or attending a social function with lots of people, this is why.
Just because social situations drain you doesn’t mean you can’t still be outgoing. All it means is that you should pace yourself, and be sure to give yourself time to recuperate after a socially exhausting situation. If you just spent several hours hanging out with new friends and you’re tired, it might not be the best idea to head to a crowded party immediately.
As you interact with more and more people, you might find that you don’t get quite as tired so easily. Like many things, you can build up your tolerance for social situations and new people.
Focus on Your Conversational Skills
The one thing that outgoing people have in common is that they’re great conversationalists. Regardless of what you might be talking about, an outgoing person always has something to contribute. However, most people aren’t born as great conversationalists. They only develop that skill after tons of practice. Here’s how you can improve your own conversational skills:
Ask Your Friends For Feedback
If you already feel as if you’re a great conversationalist, one thing you can do is ask your friends or family for feedback. They might not have anything negative to say, but they might also point out a few areas you could work on. For instance, a friend might be able to tell you that they don’t feel as if you’re a great listener or that you don’t ask enough questions.
Once you know where you can improve, you can work on making those positive changes. The next time you enter into a social situation, you might focus on staying engaged and listening more or just trying to ask more questions.
However, it’s important only to ask people you trust for feedback. If you ask someone you just met to rate your conversation skills, they might feel uncomfortable being honest.
Focus on Your Body Language
Great conversationalists are more than just people who have something clever to add—they’re also people who understand how to say a lot without using their words. Nonverbal communication matters as well, and you might not even realize you’re sending out “negative vibes” until it’s too late.
Even if you’re interested in the conversation and asking all the right questions, the other person might still feel as if you’re not listening to what they’re saying. When you enter into a new conversation, don’t forget to be conscious of your own body language. If you’re slouched over, turned away from the other person, or constantly glancing around the room, they might get the wrong message.
To appear as if you’re engaged and listening, try slightly leaning towards the other person, make eye contact, and give them your full attention. Not only will the other person know that you care about what they’re saying, but you might even find that it also helps you stay focused on the conversation too.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Ever been in a conversation that feels like it keeps hitting a brick wall? You might ask the other person what they do for a living or how old they are, and then be disappointed when their response feels short.
Great conversations take two to tango. Although some questions might be necessary to ask, making sure you ask open-ended questions can liven up the conversation. For example, when the other person tells you what they do for a living, you could then ask if they like their career. This open-ended question might spark discussion or even a few interesting anecdotes.
This strategy can also work in reverse too. When the other person asks you a question, even if it’s a dead-end question, you can always try and find something interesting to add—it might be a story or just an observation that you’ve noticed.
Questions are an important part of the conversation, but it’s also essential to make sure you don’t overdo it. Questions can act as a starting point, but you don’t want to assault the other person with a hundred questions. Instead, questions can lead to discussions that allow both people to contribute or share their experiences.
Adjust Your Attitude
If you’re naturally anxious in social situations or feel as if your conversation skills are lacking, having to interact with tons of people can be nerve-wracking. Attending the office Christmas party can feel more like a punishment rather than a reward.
However, one thing that may help ease some of your anxiety and help you prepare to interact with other people is adjusting your attitude. Rather than thinking, “I’m going to have to talk about myself a lot,” or, “I’m going to say the wrong thing,” try thinking positively. Change your thought process to, “I’m curious about other people and want to learn about them.”
When you treat social interactions as an opportunity to learn rather than an interrogation or a test, you might begin to notice that some of the nervousness goes away.
Balance the Scales
Regardless of what you’re talking about, the best conversations often include equal contributions from both people. If one person continues to talk about themselves and the other one can’t get a word in, there’s less opportunity for emotional connection. It’s only when both people get to share that they can find what they have in common or what they don’t.
When you have a conversation with someone, it’s a good idea to “balance the scales.” If you feel as if you’ve been the one doing most of the talking, it might be time to ask the other person a few questions.
If they’re the one who is doing most of the talking, it’s okay to ask questions, but don’t feel afraid to jump in and add your own perspective. The other person most likely wants to hear what you have to say, but might not realize they’re dominating the conversation.
Although it can be difficult to self-analyze when you’re engaged in a discussion, you can always try reflecting on a conversation afterward. If you feel as if you spend the majority of your conversations talking about yourself, you can try asking more questions next time or just listening.
Adapt Quickly
Besides balancing the skills, another great conversational skill to have is the ability to adapt quickly. Not everyone has the same conversation style. The person you’re talking to might prefer to only talk about certain topics or prefer to listen more than share.
While it’s a good idea to try and balance the scales, being able to adapt to someone else’s conversation style is also important. If they seem interested in one topic, try asking specific questions about that topic (even if it’s not something you’d typically be interested in).
If the other person seems like they prefer to listen or ask questions, don’t hesitate to share a little about yourself. When you adapt to someone else’s style, the other person will generally feel more comfortable, and it might give you more opportunities to connect.
Look For What You Have in Common
Great conversations come down to emotional connection. Although it is possible to talk to someone you have nothing in common with, it can be hard to form connections with them. You might be stuck in an endless cycle of questions.
If you can find a common area of interest, you can use this as a starting point to form a connection. For instance, if you find that you and the other person listen to the same music, you can talk about specific bands or even share memories that you have about that music.
The thing you have in common with the other person doesn’t have to be big. Even just finding that you like the same music or that you shop that same stores can give you plenty to talk about.
The hard part is figuring out what you do have in common. If you’re asking questions and you can’t find anything to connect to, try using your surroundings to your advantage. For instance, if you’re at the same party, you might have mutual friends.
Give Them a Compliment
One way to instantly make someone feel a little more relaxed and get them on your side is by complimenting them. Depending on what compliments you give them, it can also be a point of discussion as well. For instance, complimenting someone’s necklace might give the other person the opportunity to talk about where they got it from or why they liked it in the first place.
If you do choose to compliment the other person, make sure that you’re sincere and that it’s appropriate. Compliments usually make people feel comfortable, but if you try using the compliment as a pick-up line, the other person might feel more guarded rather than open.
Something simple such as, “I like your shirt. Where’d you get it?” can start a conversation without making the other person feel as if you’ve got an ulterior motive for talking to them.
End Things on a High Note
While you might know how to start a conversation smoothly, ending one can feel like a challenge. Even if the entire discussion went well, both you and the other person could walk away from the conversation feeling uneasy if things don’t end correctly.
To wrap up a conversation on a “high note,” the first thing to do is to let the other person know you’ve got to go. Walking away without an explanation can come across as rude or abrasive, so make sure you tell the other person why you’re leaving.
Before you go, let them know you enjoyed your time together. Saying something like, “It was great talking to you. Thanks for the recommendation about the movie. I’ll check it out,” lets the other person know you listened to them, and that you value their opinion. If you want to stay in contact with this person, now is the time to ask for their phone number or some other form of contact.
Step Outside of Your Comfort Zone
You might already have superb conservational skills, but you might never get the opportunity to show them off. Another thing that sets outgoing people apart from the pack is their ability to step out of their comfort zone.
Take Initiative
If you don’t feel confident in social situations, your worst nightmare might be hanging out at a party where you don’t know anyone. While nobody likes to feel alone, outgoing people aren’t afraid to take the initiative and start a conversation with someone they don’t know. Extroverted people often make friends or end up talking to new people—even if they’re surrounded by people they already know.
In a social situation, you can’t count on everyone else to initiate conversations with you. To become outgoing, it might be time to approach someone new. Although the thought of walking up to a stranger and introducing yourself can feel terrifying, it can also be rewarding as well. You never know what could come of that conversation. It’s possible that you could begin a friendship that lasts a lifetime or even meet a potential romantic partner.
If you feel nervous about talking to someone new, ask yourself one question: “What’s the worst that could happen?” In most cases, the worst-case scenario is that the other person will walk away, or you’ll encounter an awkward silence. However, if you use the conversational tips that are listed above, you could end up having an engaging discussion that lasts for hours.
The more that you take initiative in conversations, the easier it will become. Over time, introducing yourself to someone new will feel like second nature.
Try Something New
Although taking initiative is a big part of stepping outside of your comfort zone, trying new things is also a large part of being outgoing. Outgoing people often have blossoming social lives because they choose to try new hobbies and activities where they might have the opportunity to meet new people.
If you find that your social life feels stagnant, it might be time to look into pursuing a new activity. This could be as simple as taking a class on a topic that you’re interested in or even taking a risk and trying a completely new activity.
Regardless of what you do, chances are that when you take the initiative, you’ll be able to find at least one person you can connect with.
If you’re really nervous about trying a new activity, you can always invite a friend to join it with you. However, if you do invite someone else, it’s important not to use that person as a way to avoid talking to new people. If you’re going to take a class with a group of friends, try branching out of your group and approaching someone new.
Don’t Get Discouraged
The first few times that you take initiative in a conversation or try to make a better first impression, you might not do as well as you wanted to. Instead of engaging in a lively discussion that lasts for hours, you might end up dealing with an awkward silence or coming across as hesitant and unsure.
In social situations, it’s easy to become embarrassed—especially if you’re surrounded by people you don’t know. However, you shouldn’t sweat the little things. Instead of letting these little failures discourage you from becoming outgoing, view them as learning experiences instead. If you know what you did wrong, you can try to correct your mistake next time.
It’s important to remember that even the most extroverted or outgoing people don’t say all the right things all the time. Everyone makes mistakes or embarrasses themselves in social situations. If you let your failures stop you from meeting new people and putting yourself out there, you might miss out on plenty of great opportunities.
Very few people are born outgoing. Becoming a social butterfly with stellar conversational skills takes practice. Although it might take you a few times to get the hang of it, taking the initiative to talk to people and focusing on making good conversation can help you feel more confident in social situations.