Loyalty. The word itself carries weight. It evokes feelings. Most of us can think of a time where loyalty failed in a relationship. Whether that relationship is romantic, platonic, or professional, at the moment we realize that someone who was supposed to have our back and keep our best interests at heart doesn’t take that seriously, we feel exposed, disheartened, and maybe even a little confused.
Loyalty is an essential part of any relationship, whether it be with your romantic partner, your boss, or your friend. Life is full of these relationships. Life is about relationships, so if we do not have loyalty, we are building our houses on sinking sand.
There is evidence that being loyal actually can make us healthier. A picture of true loyalty is essential to a healthy romantic relationship. Studies have shown that entering a marriage commitment without really understanding what loyalty is and how to express it can lead to a failure of the union pretty quickly.
The problem is, we live in a culture with a “me first” attitude. If you’ve never seen loyalty modeled for you, it can be hard to understand it or know how to express it.
What Is Loyalty?
Loyalty is a little hard to define. Most dictionaries will give you a definition that falls along the lines of “the state of being loyal.” You have to look up the word loyal to find its meaning. Cambridge Dictionary has several definitions for loyal. Two that stick out are “always giving help and encouragement” and “firm and not changing in your friendship with or support for a person, an organization, or your belief in your principles.”
Cambridge also listed synonyms like “committed, dedicated, devoted, faithful, steadfast, unfaltering, unswerving, and unshakeable.” These definitions and synonyms give an accurate picture of what loyalty is: a loyal person commits to someone or something and sticks to it.
Consider the synonym “devoted.” Think of the dog who walks his kid to the bus each morning and then waits patiently at the window all afternoon to see his kid again. He doesn’t think of it as an inconvenience; he is happy to do it because he loves his kid.
We think of loyalty often in terms of a romantic relationship, but loyalty factors into every relationship we enter. The closer a relationship is, the more loyalty it requires. You probably don’t expect loyalty from casual acquaintances, but you will definitely expect loyalty from your closest friends and your significant other. Those people, in return, will expect loyalty from you.
Loyalty is a Muscle
You have probably heard someone say that the heart is a muscle, so the more we love, the better we are at loving people. This is true of loyalty as well, especially since loyalty is so closely related to love, trust, and devotion. If you want to be loyal to those around you, you can work at it just like working out a muscle at the gym.
Loyalty really just means you dedicate yourself to another person. You can express that dedication in your actions. Demonstrating loyalty comes down to consistently showing others that they can trust what you say and do and that you will always be there. Being loyal is much like love in that you are putting someone else’s interests as a high priority. There are many things we can do to demonstrate this devotion, trustworthiness, and love.
Read on to learn suggestions on how to practice being loyal.
Communicate Openly
It might sound cliche, but communication really is the backbone of every single relationship we will ever enter into in this life. Following that, one way to build loyalty and trust in a relationship is to communicate openly with the other person. Instead of burying your feelings of frustration or confusion, open a dialogue.
If your romantic partner is doing something that bothers you, open a dialogue about it before it can fester into a more significant problem. If you are concerned that a colleague is cold towards you, ask them if there is something you need to apologize for. In talking in an open, honest way, you are showing the other person that you value their thoughts and opinions.
Actively Listen to What the Other Person is Saying
Speaking of communicating, you need to listen to what the other person is saying. I’m reminded of the advice, “When a person is talking, really listen to what the other person is saying, rather than deciding what you’re going to say next.” It sounds silly, but it’s the truth. We often have conversations with others, but don’t actively listen to what they’re saying.
Take What the Other Person Says to Heart
When a person says something, you need to take that to heart and put it into action. If your partner expresses to you that they hate broccoli, make an effort to make something else as a side dish for dinner. If your best friend confesses to you that they’re terrified of horses, don’t try to pressure them into going horseback riding.
When someone tells you something, really listen and put what they say into action, no matter how small of a thing it may seem. To you, it might seem insignificant, but those little actions show you heard them and build trust in your relationship.
Their Secrets Should Stay Secret
One of the most critical factors in loyalty is knowing how to keep someone else’s secrets, no matter how small that secret may seem.
Don’t announce over dinner one night that your best friend doesn’t know how to ride a bike when she told you that in confidence. Don’t jokingly say to your friends that your wife played hooky from work the other day. Don’t try to trade their secrets for laughs or popularity.
You might think that these small admissions are unimportant, but when the other person hears their secret laid bare, they will feel like they can’t trust you with little things, much less with the big ones.
Everyone around you when you told this secret will begin to wonder, too, if they can trust you to be loyal.
Empathize With the Other Person
Empathy can be a complicated idea. Empathy is not feeling sorry for another person. Empathy is feeling with them. An empathetic person takes the time to listen and truly understand where a person is coming from.
To empathize with another person, especially on something that you have no real experience with, is to say to them that they matter enough for you to take the time to put yourself in their shoes and try to see life as they do. Actively listen to the other person and ask questions to understand.
Share Experiences
One of the ways some people communicate that they care is to spend time together. While this might not work well with your boss, making a point to spend quality time with your friends and partner goes a long way into building the relationship.
Try something new with your partner (bonus points if it is something that they have mentioned before). See a new movie together, try a new hobby, or go to a restaurant you’ve never tried before. It may seem like a little thing, but quality time helps you both invest in the relationship and build loyalty towards each other.
This is especially true when you sacrifice your time to do something the other person enjoys when it’s something you don’t particularly have an interest in. I’m not saying to make yourself miserable, but if your partner loves to golf, it probably won’t hurt you to ride around in the cart and keep them company during their game. If they love painting, you can probably tolerate a few hours one afternoon in a painting class.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll find you like it after all, and you will have a new hobby to do together.
Keep Your Promises
One important way to be loyal is to keep your promises. If you tell your boss you will stay late to finish a project, don’t flake out at the last minute. If you tell your friend you’re going to come to see their play, don’t make up some lame excuse. If you tell your partner, you will take care of the dishes so they can rest after a stressful day, pour some soap into the sink and get to it.
It’s easy to make a promise when we’re feeling good, but the true measure of keeping your word is when you carry through with those promises later on when you don’t feel so motivated anymore.
Keep your promises on the big stuff, and, maybe even more importantly, keep your promises in the little things too. Nothing says, “you matter to me” quite like saying you’re going to wash the towels and then actually doing it.
Stand Up For Your Person
One of the first things I think of when I picture loyalty is standing up for your friend or partner. Imagine this scene: you walk up upon a group of friends and acquaintances. Suddenly the conversation turns to another friend who is not there with the group, and someone starts talking about how dorky they dress or how they are always running late. It’s something small, and maybe it might even be true. It’s an insignificant thing, but it is an opportunity to be loyal.
If you’re in a room where others are gossiping or talking down about your friend or partner, do not join in. Don’t even jokingly make a comment or two. Go one further and stand up for that person. Tell everyone in the group that you don’t appreciate them talking down on someone who isn’t there to defend themselves, and it’s not their place to judge them anyhow.
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received is live life with the mindset that anything you say is going to be repeated. This advice has completely changed my philosophy about how I treat people. When you only say things you would be comfortable with the other person hearing, you tend always to choose kindness and respect.
Standing up for others everyone around you that you are the kind of person who can be trusted and will stay loyal to those you care about, no matter what.
Consider Your Partner
Picture this: you and your husband are out with a group of friends, and someone brings up the big game. You love throwing parties, so you volunteer to host a game day celebration the following weekend without bothering to ask your partner if he wants to have people over.
Your partner might love your friends, and he might love throwing parties as well, but what if he was planning on working on a project that day or wanted to visit family? Waiting and asking your partner goes a long way towards showing them that they matter to you.
Your partner would probably be more than willing to have those friends over, but if you choose not to consider his opinion, you are not putting his feelings first. He will see that you care more about the happiness of the group than his happiness.
This matters even more in the big moments of life. If you’re up for a promotion at work, but that promotion means moving 6 hours away, you might want to factor your partner into the equation before you commit. Even if you think they’re going to want to move with you, you need to talk to them and figure out what will be best for both of you.
Don’t Tear Them Down
Nobody likes to be the butt of a joke. If your friend tells you in confidence that his dream is to become the world’s best balloon animal artist, don’t laugh at him. Even if you think their dream or goal is the silliest, most ridiculous thing you could ever imagine.
As their friend or partner, it is your job to love and support them. As long as their dream is not damaging to them or anyone else, there is no reason to bring them down on having it.
That is just one example, but there are so many opportunities in life to tear your friend or partner down. Don’t take them! When they make a mistake or wrong choice, resist the urge to say anything to make them feel worse. We know when we have messed up and don’t need someone else to tell us.
We need someone else to tell us it will all be okay and that one mistake doesn’t make us a failure. Berating the other person does not “teach them their lesson”; it teachers them you would rather be right than being their friend.
“I told you so” doesn’t have any place in a good relationship.
I mean this doubly with other people. Saying negative things about your friend or partner does nothing but create problems. No matter how frustrated you are, venting to another person only shows others the fault lines in your relationship. If it gets back to the other person that you were talking about them, it will inspire distrust that may never mend.
Build Them Up
Life is hard. There are a million things that attempt to tear us down at every turn. Your friends and partner rely on you to not be one of those things. This goes even further than just not tearing them down. Building someone up means helping that other person see themselves as the beautiful person they are. We are often so hard on ourselves that we don’t see ourselves clearly.
If your friend has a talent for art or singing or even just making others laugh, tell them. If your partner has a knack for knowing when someone needs a compliment or always making perfect scrambled eggs tell them! From the big things to the small stuff, we all need help seeing what makes us unique.
Compliment their smile or their giving nature or their ability to always tell a perfect knock-knock joke. Taking the time to notice and point out the things we love so much about those around us not only makes the other person feel good, but it also reinforces why we care about them.
Stand By Them
One of the only certainties in life is that bad things happen. One of the most significant aspects of loyalty is standing by someone, no matter what happens. Sickness can happen. He or she might lose their job. He or she might make bad choices. Part of being loyal to someone is sticking with them through thick and thin.
In this, you are saying, “I value my relationship with you enough to be okay with being uncomfortable or not looking ‘cool.’ You mean enough to me to stick through any circumstance.”
Forgive Them of Their Mistakes
One thing you can be absolutely sure of in any relationship you enter into is that you will both make mistakes. Being human means sometimes failing, so a relationship between two imperfect humans, by nature, will have bumps in the road.
One paramount part of being loyal is knowing this and forgiving the other person of their mistakes. I am not suggesting that you let another person walk over you with the veil of “making mistakes,” but if he or she does something that they are genuinely sorry about, you can be loyal to them in valuing your relationship over ego and moving forward.
Make Them A Priority
Life gets hectic. Sometimes we forget about what is important to us, and other, less important matters can steal our attention. It is so essential to make your friends and partner a priority in life. If you notice you haven’t been spending a lot of time together, send them a text, and see when you can spend some time together. Little things like this matter and show the other person that you value them above the other things that are competing for their attention.
See Them For Who They Really Are (Not Who You Want Them to Be)
One of the best parts of having a good friend or romantic partner is that they push you to be the best version of yourself; however, it is not a good thing when that person pushes you to be their version of who they think you should be.
We are all unique and have our own interests and dreams. We cannot force our expectations on others. Just because we think someone we love should do something, go back to school, find a new job, dress a certain way, anything, doesn’t mean that’s what right for them.
It is essential to see your friend or partner as who they really are and not force your own ideas and expectations for what you want them to be.
Always Choose To Be Kind
Leo Buscaglia once said, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest, compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
We often do not realize how much kindness can impact a person’s life. Kindness isn’t always the easiest choice. When we’re tired or stressed, it can be hard to put forth the extra energy to smile at someone or come up with something kind to say, but when it’s difficult, kindness means the most.
Taking that extra time and energy to be kind to your friends or partner shows them that they matter to you.
Choose Them and Put Them First
This is one of the things we think of most often when we think of loyalty. When a situation presents itself in which you have the opportunity to choose someone or something else over that other person, always choose them.
Do not choose popularity from telling funny, private stories about them. Do not choose to be with someone else romantically. Do not choose opportunities and step on them. Choose them. Choose them every single time.
Put them and their happiness and well-being first as a way to show them how much they matter to you.
Celebrate Their Success
While sometimes it seems like things to celebrate are few and far between, life is full of little victories that give us opportunities to celebrate. Maybe your partner made a presentation at work they were nervous about. Maybe your friend dared to start dating again after a bad relationship. Perhaps he or she decided to take up a hobby they’ve always had interested in.
Celebrate every single success the two of you have. Celebrating the big and little things in life shows them that you’re proud of them, and they matter to you. That kind of support will fuel them to go on to have more victories.
Don’t Do Anything That You Wouldn’t Want Them To Know About
One of the best ways to communicate loyalty is to respect your partner’s wishes. If your partner detests smoking cigarettes, don’t secretly smoke them and try to cover it up. Don’t spend time with someone else romantically. Don’t watch a TV show by yourself that you promised to watch together.
In short, don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your partner or friend to know about. If you break promises, even unspoken ones, you are telling your friend or partner that you don’t value their wishes and aren’t really loyal to them.
Be Honest
We’ve been taught this lesson from an early age from everyone, from parents to teachers to puppets on TV. Honesty, as they say, is the best policy. One of the most important aspects of loyalty is telling your friends and partner the truth, even when it isn’t pleasant.
When I say honest, I mean to be really honest. Be honest when they ask if an outfit isn’t flattering on them or if they ask if they should cut their hair a certain way. You should always deliver these truths with kindness and compassion.
Never use “telling the truth” as an excuse to be unkind. Ask yourself, “would I want someone to be honest with me about this?” If the answer is yes, you need to be completely honest, no matter how unpleasant.
Practice Random Acts of Kindness
Everyone wants to know they are loved and cared about. Take the time out of your day to do small things to show them that you were thinking about them.
Send them a sweet text message. Pick up some flowers from the grocery store. Surprise them with coffee or their favorite soda. Wake up early and make breakfast. These gestures may be small, but they can make a big difference. Doing these little things shows that you were thinking about that other person, and you just wanted to take a moment out to show that you care.