It’s human nature to have a controlling trait or two. Some of us are more controlling than others, but at the end of the day, we are all controlling in some way whether we like it or not. Some of us can be control freaks in just about every aspect of life. However, you can change this behavior if you take specific steps and use certain practices to subdue this instinct.
Being controlling can provide some positive results in the workplace, although being too controlling can hurt your professional relationships and won’t endear you to co-workers. In your personal life, being too controlling can downright ruin relationships, whether it be your family, friends, or lovers.
Realizing that you are “too controlling” is the first step to become less controlling, and that may be the hardest part. Once you take this step, you’ll be able to make changes to improve yourself and learn how to navigate your overbearing instincts, but remember, it’s a process, and it will take diligence.
Change the Way You View the World
People that are too controlling often feel their view is the only way to see things. They typically think they’re always right. If you try to look at things from someone else’s perspective before judging a situation or person, you’ll become more accepting of others and their views. It will go a long way in helping you be less controlling.
Merely seeing things with more compassion will make a significant difference in the way you view the world. Doing so will allow you to relax a bit and not always feel the need to be in total control of everything.
Try and understand that other people may be coming from different situations or different circumstances than you and therefore, might have different opinions and take different actions of how to go about things. Remember it’s more of a mindset than a behavioral concern.
Realize You Have Control Issues
The first thing you need to do if you want to change your behavior is to recognize that you have a problem. It’s probably the hardest part of changing, but it’s necessary. Now, once you have admitted to yourself that you have control issues, it’s time to put the change into action.
If you finally admit you have a problem with being too controlling but still don’t take action in real-life situations to improve, you’ll be stuck in the same rut. You can admit to the whole world that you’re too controlling, but if you don’t put actions to your words, nothing will improve.
Often people who are too controlling try to micromanage every situation. Whether it’s in the workplace or at home, this creates a significant problem. In regards to the workplace, micromanaging undermines other employees or subordinates and usually creates extra work for all.
It also decreases the quality of the work being done because everyone starts second-guessing themselves and loses confidence in their ability. In your home environment, it will no doubt cause problems as well.
Maybe you always want your spouse to do something your way. Perhaps it’s the way they clean or fold the clothes that you can’t keep quiet about. Eventually, your spouse won’t want to do these tasks or become riddled with anxiety while they’re doing it. That will add a great deal of strain on your relationship and can eventually be debilitating.
Your spouse may become distant and standoffish. Or, they may lash back at you and start arguments over nothing, and you’ll think it’s all their fault, but in reality, it’s yours. You created the problem.
The best thing you can do when these situations arise is to take a deep breath and remind yourself that everyone is different and it’s okay that others don’t always see or do things the way you do. Once you make this change, you’ll gradually see improvements in your professional and personal relationships. You’ll also start feeling more calm and better about yourself along the way.
Understand Your Emotions
Most of the time, those who are incredibly controlling have some problems dealing with their emotions. What happens is you get in a situation where things are not going exactly how you want them, and when you feel your control slipping away, you become angry or frustrated.
Then, your emotions start to control you. You’ll find yourself getting upset at everything and everyone around you. People will begin to think you are crazy, and that’s not good for anyone.
On the other hand, some of us who are too controlling tend to suppress our emotions. This isn’t entirely bad since it allows you to maintain a calm demeanor frequently in intense situations. However, you need to watch out for this when you become completely shut off of emotion. That can hurt your personal relationships as friends, and loved ones will think you don’t care or have shut them out. As I said, this isn’t entirely bad; just keep an eye on it if you fall into this particular category.
How to Solve It?
Solving the “emotion” problem can be tricky. It’s a fine line to know when to hold your emotions in and when to let them show. The best way to think about this is in moderation while also focusing on positive emotions as often as possible. Again, breathing will come into play here.
Let’s say you find yourself in a work situation where things seem to be spinning out of control. Take a moment, and take a deep breath to assess the situation. Remember, see things from other people’s point of view. Sometimes it’s good to take a brief walk around the block if you can, or just find some quiet space and label the emotion that was triggered, and why.
On the other hand, don’t be afraid to allow yourself to feel joy when the time comes, embrace the vulnerability of feeling excited or compassionate. Doing so will pay off in spades if you can learn to navigate your emotions positively.
Trust Issues
When it comes to trust issues in regards to being too controlling, it’s not so much that you think everyone is evil or out to do you wrong; it’s more so that you feel if you don’t do it yourself, it won’t be done right. This may be true sometimes. However, if you learn to let go and allow people to do things their way, you’ll probably find that it’s not the end of the world, and they’ll likely surprise you with a job well done.
In the workplace, it’s obviously different than at home, although, at the end of the day, your trust issues are most likely triggered by the same thing. Trust to a point sometimes needs to be earned, but giving others the benefit of the doubt will not only improve your relationships in the workplace, but it will also reduce stress levels.
Steps You Can Take
There are a couple of steps you can take to become more trusting of others. First, recognize a situation when you feel you need to be in control of everything. Then, figure out if it’s because you aren’t trusting someone enough to let go of your control.
When you find yourself in this situation, practice releasing control, and see how that feels. It will definitely feel awkward at first, and you’ll surely have resistance, but if you stay focused on relinquishing control and allowing yourself to feel good about it, you’ll start to trust more and become less controlling.
Another step you can take is to have someone you’re close to help. Ask your friend or co-worker to participate in an experiment with you. Whenever you ask them to meet or go somewhere or do something for you, notice how they fulfill their commitment to you.
Then, go a step further and ask them to take care of something you would never have allowed someone else to take care of before. Assess how you feel when that person comes through, and remember this the next time you don’t want to let go of control of a task.
Allow for Unpredictability
The world is unpredictable, and so is life. We all know how unpredictable life can be. That’s probably a lot of the reason you try to control things. No matter how hard you try, there will be times when you simply can’t control a situation.
Whether it’s while driving on the freeway or while you’re doing something else like hosting an event, it doesn’t matter what your profession is or where you live; unpredictable things will happen. The sooner you come to grips with this fact, the better off you’ll be, and in turn, you’ll become less controlling.
Be Spontaneous and Embrace Uncertainty
One trick you can use to accept life’s unpredictability is to practice being spontaneous. This is probably not in your nature if you’re incredibly controlling. However, there are some things you can do to get over this.
There are many spontaneous things you can do, such as; take a drive without a destination, go to a sporting event, or concert with a friend at the last minute. Also, try spending money on something you usually wouldn’t (within reason) or set aside one day per week to learn a new hobby or skill.
Put yourself into situations where you don’t know the outcome or situations you’ve never been in. When you’re at a party, talk to people you usually wouldn’t think you’d connect with. Learn about them and take notice of ways they are different from you, but also ways they might be similar. In times of uncertainty, embrace it.
Accept that you aren’t always able to predict what is going to happen, and therefore you can’t control it. Making these simple changes will help you become less controlling.
Communicate Differently
We all know how important communication is in life. Both professional and personal relationships require a great deal of communication to succeed, and when it comes to being less controlling, it’s also important. Sometimes when we feel we aren’t getting through to people or they aren’t listening (especially in the workplace), we get angry or frustrated, and this can bring out controlling tendencies.
This may be happening because of your communication style. Maybe you are putting people off by the way you speak to them or because you’re overly obsessive? Perhaps you’re a little too blunt when a softer approach might allow you to get through to someone more effectively. Try to be more complimentary and make sure you’re crediting people when they do positive things.
Keep Yourself in Check
Actually, you should have other people keep you in check. Encourage friends and trusted co-workers to politely let you know when they see you being overbearing or controlling.
Explain to them what you’re trying to accomplish, and they should feel comfortable putting you in check. Also, they’ll be appreciative of your efforts as well as understanding if you do “fall off the wagon” and revert to controlling patterns at times.
Reduce Your Anxiety
Anxiety can lead to overly controlling behavior. Anxiety is triggered by any number of things. Social situations, an upcoming job interview or test, or starting a new job. Either of these and plenty of other things can give us anxiety.
Anxiety brings on controlling behavior, and if you tend to be over-controlling, reducing your anxiety is a must.
Some tools you can use to help get over anxiety are reading self-help books and using essential oils like lavender, rose, or vetiver oil. You can start keeping a journal or just simply write down your thoughts.
When you start feeling anxious, write down why you feel that way. Then you can understand why and, in turn, curtail it. Music is another excellent tool you can use to lower your anxiety levels. Try smooth jazz or classical music when your anxiety is on the rise.
No Advice
One of the traits of a controlling person is they think they need to advise everyone. You may think your advice is always welcome and of course, always right. But that’s not the case. Chances are your advice especially when unsolicited is driving people crazy. If not, it’s surely making them resent you. Practice not giving unsolicited advice to your friends, loved ones, and colleagues.
Start with one day of not giving advice. Then, each week add a day of” no advice” until you’ve suppressed your instinct to offer up advice when it hasn’t been asked for. This will help put you on the path to being less controlling. Also, be conscious of the words you use. Notice when you say to someone, “Have you ever tried doing it this way?” or when you tell someone how to do something your way and then get upset if they don’t adhere to it.
Know Your Triggers
Everyone has different triggers that make them act controlling. Triggers such as hectic environments or group projects can make you feel the only way to get through those situations are to try and control them and everything about them. Perhaps a lack of confidence or feeling inferior to co-workers causes you to overcompensate, and that’s when you’re controlling characteristics come out?
There are several triggers that can cause a person to be overbearing and controlling. Once you identify what yours is or are, you can consciously remind yourself not to try and control everything when those triggers arise. Again it’s important to realize that we are all human, we all have flaws, and we all can be vulnerable. Just embrace finding your flaws and try to fix them.
Be Mindful of Manipulation
We’ve gone over the ways in which you can be too controlling without even realizing it. However, in regards to manipulation, specifically controlling a significant other, friend, or family member, it’s a whole different animal.
There are some out there who use controlling mechanisms either purposefully and perhaps maliciously to further their agenda, or worse, harm others. Below are some aspects of how manipulation can be used by a person wanting to control another.
Criticism
Chronic critique of a person can break their confidence and give them a poor view of themselves. When a person has low-self esteem and feels inferior, or they are always in the wrong, they can be easily controlled and manipulated.
Isolation
A manipulative person will often use isolation to control someone. They’ll tell someone that they speak to a family member or certain friends too often. They will zero in on those you turn to and try to push you away from them as a form of controlling you. They slowly eat away at your support network so you won’t be strong enough to stand up to them.
Threats and Ultimatums
One way a person can use manipulations to control others is to use veiled threats or ultimatums. These threats and ultimatums can go both ways. A manipulative person can use threats against another or threats against themselves to control the other person.
For example, they can threaten your living situation, your access to the car you use, access to pets, and even access to your kids. Another way a person can use manipulation to control someone is to make threats against themselves. They want you to feel that if you leave them, it will be your fault when they harm themselves. Therefore, you feel trapped in the relationship.
Making Someone Feel Unworthy
When a person makes another feel unworthy, they typically are trying to control or manipulate them. This may come in the form of making the person feel unattractive or that they don’t measure up to certain standards. A manipulative person will try and make their partner or friend feel they have to work harder and harder just to be with them. They will also compare you to exes or other friends and say you aren’t as good as them just to have more control over you.
Thwarting Behavior
When a controlling person starts to see their significant other try to reach out and better themselves, they often try to thwart their goals and dreams. They feel that once the other person betters themselves, they can no longer be controlled. This may come in the form of denigrating a new job opportunity or advising one not to go back to school. Perhaps being against a trip to a foreign place or someone starting a new business. Any of these can be a form and manipulation and control.
Just the Facts?
A manipulative person will often alter facts to position them in their favor. That way, they can control the outcome of the conversation or argument. Most of the time, the controlling or manipulative person already has the conversation mapped out and won’t let it go any other way, whether facts are present or not.
Home Field
Another tactic where manipulation can be used as a controlling mechanism is to always have a meeting or an important discussion on the manipulators’ home turf. Or at least in an environment, they can control. This can be any place a controlling person has familiarity with and where the other person doesn’t.
*If you have any of these (manipulative) traits, please take drastic steps to change this immediately or seek professional help. These are the worst characteristics of a controlling person. When you make the leap from just being too controlling to something worse, it’s a major problem that can have serious consequences to not only others but yourself as well.
Meditation
We’ve already mentioned how breathing can help you be less controlling, but here we can take it a step further with meditation. Meditation allows you to slow down your mind through breathing and centering yourself. It allows you to get rid of the clutter in your brain that can cause you to go insane.
Anyone can practice meditation in a quiet, comfortable place, with an open attitude, using a specific posture and a focus of attention, be it a word to repeat or an object to think about.
You can use meditation to reduce anxiety levels, which will help you become less controlling. Studies have shown that several different forms of meditation may reduce anxiety. And we’ve learned that anxiety is a key trigger or component of controlling behavior.
Meditation has been found to reduce workplace anxiety for those who work in high-pressure environments such as nurses.
Another benefit that meditation can provide is that it promotes emotional health, which is a tool you can use to become less controlling. As mentioned above, when we are able to better recognize and control our emotions, we become more understanding and less controlling.
We can see things from another perspective and realize that our way is not the only way. Meditation also has been shown to enhance self-awareness, which is the first step you will take when you are ready to change your behavior and stop being so controlling.
Meditation can also promote kindness. Not only is this great to have in everyday life, but it’s also something that will help you be less controlling. You’ll see things and people differently while having a deeper sense of compassion. This will quell your need to always be right and always be in control. You’ll also feel more at peace within yourself, which is never a bad thing.
All of these benefits of meditation can help you become less controlling and will complement the other tools mentioned in this text extremely well.
What We’ve Learned
Being controlling is something that isn’t always a conscious choice. Most of us don’t set out to always “be in charge” however, life sometimes directs us to that place, and we don’t even realize it.
There are many tools at our disposal we can use to become less controlling. Daily changes to our behavior, our thought process, self-reflection, and overall view on life can really make a difference.
There isn’t a silver bullet to become less controlling, and it’s going to take some work. Remember, you can only control certain things, and if you just focus on those things, particularly with a positive outlook in mind, you’ll find that changing your controlling behavior is definitely attainable.
Don’t forget to be cognizant of other people’s thoughts and feelings. Remember, you are not the only one in the room, and other people’s feelings or contributions can be just as valuable as yours. Also, you can let go of control, and the world isn’t going to spin off its axis.
Most of the time, there is no “one way” to do things, and life isn’t always black and white. There can be gray areas, and things can and probably will still work out for the best.
Your opinions and experiences have value, and people will realize that even if you don’t always have it your way. If you trust these principles and use the tools we’ve gone over here, your professional and personal relationships will improve while you become less controlling.