Codependency is a tricky business. There are a widespread misuse and overuse of the word in our society, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a real and important issue.
Humans need connection. Our brain’s wiring makes us want to be with other people, whether we like it or not, and we do many things to ensure that we have those connections in place. The connection is healthy, but sometimes we go too far to keep our relationships going.
Unhealthy habits, unpleasant childhood experiences, and parents in unhealthy relationships can all cause us to become codependent adults. It’s vital that we understand the signs that we might be codependent, or that our partners might be so that we can stop this unhealthy behavior before it’s too late.
What is Codependency?
There are several definitions of codependency out there. The dictionary definition is “a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by someone who is affected with a pathological condition.”
Other definitions within the field of psychology frame codependence as someone responding with fear when they are in a relationship with someone who is abandoning or inconsistent, regardless of the reason it’s happening. The person in question may start to dwell on the problems of those with whom they are in a relationship, become hyper-vigilant, or become possessive.
You must understand that when we talk about codependent relationships, we aren’t just talking about romantic relationships. You can have a codependent relationship with your children, friends, and other family members as well.
Some believe that we learn to be codependent by watching our parents, while others think it’s something we develop due to low self-esteem or insecure attachment styles. Likely, there are elements of truth in both of these ideas and more. Regardless of the reason for our codependence, it’s a rampant issue in society today and one that we need to discuss more often.
Signs and Symptoms of Codependency
You can’t learn how to stop being codependent without first figuring out whether or not you are truly in such a relationship. Let’s look at the most common signs of a codependent relationship to help you decide for yourself if any of your behavior in any of your relationships qualifies.
Low or No Self-Esteem
One of the building blocks of codependency is low self-esteem. When you don’t love or even like yourself, then you’re less likely to feel confident in your relationships. Low self-esteem is something many people struggle with, and some people mask it extremely well. You might think someone is super confident, but it could be a cover for their inability to like themselves.
Low self-esteem often manifests as perfectionism. We feel like we have to be perfect at everything and in every way to be lovable. If we aren’t perfect, then no one can love us, including ourselves.
People-Pleasing Behaviors
Being a good friend or child or spouse is different than being a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is about not thinking you have a choice or feeling intense shame when you can’t or don’t give someone what they want, regardless of the circumstances. Codependent people usually feel like they can’t say “no,” and when they do, they feel anxious and often dwell on it after.
Poor Boundary Setting
Everyone should have boundaries to protect themselves from others and also keep themselves in check when it comes to stepping on other people in their lives. For codependents, boundaries are often either very blurred or too rigid.
If a codependent has overly rigid boundaries, then they close themselves off from others. Rigid boundaries can result from the trauma of some kind in early life or several unpleasant experiences over time. Boundaries that are too harsh can keep others from getting close to you and make you more likely to feel suspicious of or obsessive over your relationship partners.
For individuals with loose or fluid boundaries, it can be just as devastating for relationships. Loose boundaries often result in your being taken advantage of by relationship partners. If someone does take advantage of you, then you’re likely to become even more codependent in your thinking and actions. It’s a vicious cycle.
Dysfunctional Communication
The obvious next step, once boundaries are down and how someone else feels becomes more important than how you do is dysfunctional communication. You might lose track of what you think, feel, or need as you become obsessed with someone else’s needs and desires. You might also find yourself unable to ask for what you need for fear of upsetting someone else.
Communication is an integral part of any relationship, so the loss of good communication puts a large burden on you and your relationship, which will ultimately either cause you to end the relationship or to become more codependent than before. Ideally, you’d end the relationship and work through your feelings to avoid codependence in the future.
Obsessing
One common symptom of codependency is obsessive behavior or thoughts. Obsessing over a person or relationship can lead to loss of self and create a scenario in which you live in a fantasy world where you’re able to communicate with your relationship partner. In reality, though, you’re still unable to communicate appropriately.
Some codependents also end up obsessing over their perceived mistakes to the point of driving themselves crazy. They think back over every second of the mistake, they try to change the dialogue or circumstances in their head, and they sometimes end up in denial because of it.
Denial of the Problem
One of the reasons we quite often struggle to get help with codependency is that we are in denial about having a problem. Codependents often think the problem is someone else or something else. They believe that if their partner would just change one or two things that they would have a good relationship. Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case.
Denial can also manifest in codependents being unable or unwilling to acknowledge their feelings or needs, as we discussed above. In the minds of codependents, confronting their needs can cause their relationship partners some distress, which isn’t worth it. Instead, these people will push down their thoughts and feelings and focus on the other person.
What to Ask Yourself to Determine if You’re Codependent
There are some questions that you can ask yourself to determine if you might be codependent. If you ask yourself these questions honestly and can say “yes” to them, then you’ll want to keep reading to find out how to stop being codependent.
- Are you drawn to people who you can pity or rescue?
- Do you feel that other’s actions are your responsibility?
- Do you do quite a bit more than your partner to keep the peace in your relationship?
- Are you afraid to be alone or to be abandoned?
- Is your partner’s happiness your problem, not their own?
- Without the approval of others, do you feel bad about yourself or not know how to feel?
- Does change bother you?
What Codependence Isn’t
We’ve talked about some of the symptoms of codependency and presented some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you fit into this world. Still, we also want to address what is not codependent behavior. The word codependent has become so mainstream that we use it incorrectly often, and that can create shame or stigma that shouldn’t exist.
First of all, codependence is not permanent. You can move beyond it, but it takes work and acknowledgment of the problem. Different people will overcome their codependent nature at different paces as well. If you have a secure attachment style from childhood and other healthy relationships, then you are more likely to move past codependence quickly and without issue.
Feeling insecure sometimes is also not codependent behavior. It’s natural not to feel confident all of the time. It’s when that insecurity starts to spread throughout your relationships or becomes a place where you can begin to obsess that it might become a problem.
If you can acknowledge your insecurities and other emotions when they happen, and especially if you can speak to your partner about them, then you probably aren’t codependent. Everyone has anxieties. It’s vital to remember that the way we deal with our emotions is much more important than what those emotions are.
It’s normal to seek comfort with those you love when you feel upset or unsettled. It’s also normal to feel uncomfortable when the people we love leave us. You can feel abandoned and not be codependent. It’s the worry of abandonment that leads to codependency more than the action itself.
How to Stop Codependent Behaviors
If you want to know how to stop being codependent, that’s a good sign. It means that you are willing to move past this unhealthy relationship and either develop a healthier relationship or get out and heal. If you feel like you need help to move past these behaviors, individual or couple’s therapy can be a great option, but it’s not the only way to find help.
There are plenty of ways you can help yourself to move beyond your codependent behaviors or relationships that you can practice right now. You don’t need your partner to feel the same way to start the process, either. You can do this all on your own, and just that knowledge can help you to get to a healthier place.
The first, and most essential, step in becoming less codependent is to acknowledge that you cannot change your partner. Codependency is often a result of addiction in your partner, although that’s not always the case. Understanding that you cannot and will not change your partner or “cure” them is vital to begin the healing process. This process is about you alone.
Be Honest With Yourself and Your Partner
Honesty is always the best possible, but that’s especially true if you’ve been struggling with codependency in your relationship. You need to start to acknowledge your own emotions and needs and letting your partner know when their actions or words infringe on your boundaries.
Honesty won’t happen if you’re still in denial, but once you acknowledge that there is a problem, you can begin to let yourself feel things again. Communicating your feelings can be difficult at first, so make sure to use “I statements” to take the pressure off of your partner. You will grow more confident as you continue to value and understand your needs.
Stop the Negativity
Your codependency will continue to exist as long as you continue to think negatively. Negative thinking creates a situation in which you are unable to see your self-worth, which will mean you’ll have a harder time being honest with yourself or your partner about your needs. Stopping the negative self-talk will take time, but eventually, you’ll stop it before it starts.
One way to learn to avoid negative thinking is to notice the negatives and flip the script immediately. For instance, if you make a mistake and immediately think “you’re so stupid!” then you’ll want to stop and acknowledge that you are not stupid, but instead made a mistake. It might help to think of how you’ll avoid that same mistake in the future.
Take a Relationship Break
You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to need a break. Spending time with those with whom you have healthier relationships is a good thing that can help you to gain confidence before you go back to spending more time in your codependent relationship. It’s not a failure to take a step back for a few days or weeks.
Open communication during a break is important. You can tell your relationship partner that you need some time to yourself, but that it’s not their fault. If this is a romantic relationship then you can establish break boundaries. For example, you are not breaking up; you’re just taking time to understand yourself, so infidelity is still infidelity.
Establish Boundaries
Speaking of boundaries, you should make sure that you establish them in your relationship early on in your recovery process. It’s impossible to stop being codependent when you still don’t have boundaries or when you’re too afraid to let your partner get close to you. You need to express your emotions and your needs, so you’ll need to learn to say “no” as well.
No One is 100% Codependent
Let’s step back for a minute and talk about something. If you are concerned about your codependence, then you aren’t 100% codependent. Seems like a catch-22, right? But if you can acknowledge your feelings of codependence and notice that it is negatively impacting you, then you can’t be 100% codependent.
The struggle with overcoming codependency is that a part of you may want to change, but another, often larger, part wants to stick to the way things are. You’re probably comfortable in your life the way it is. You might not be happy or be thriving, but you’re comfortable, and that’s hard to move past.
As you work toward your independence using some of the information above, you’ll notice that the struggle gets easier to handle. You’ll see the part of you that is comfortable with codependence become comfortable with independence instead. You’ll become more positive, and the percentage of you that’s attached to your old habits will fade.
This process isn’t the same for everyone. Some people are much deeper in codependence than others. Some people are insecurely attached, to start. Regardless of where you are starting the process of healing, you can end up in a happy, independent, and confident place with a healthy relationship.
What About Your Partner?
You want to work on yourself, but a part of you is probably still worrying about your partner. We talked about how you can’t change them, and you may understand that, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t concerned. It’s especially tough to let go of codependency when the cause is addiction. If someone we love is in a situation where they could hurt themselves, we want to save them.
The great part of working on codependency is that you give your partner a chance to learn and to grow without you there to play caregiver. There is no buffer for them, and that can help them to heal themselves as well.
It can also be a very difficult transition for everyone involved to have you move away from your care-taking role or establish boundaries. You may watch the other person spiral down a path you tried to save them from, and that’s not fun to watch. You have to remember, though, that they are not your responsibility, and it is not your fault. You cannot save them, no matter what.
Your decision to heal yourself from codependency can enable your partner to see that they are causing their problems. It can also cause them to move further into the problem. If they choose the latter path, then you need to decide if you should stay in the relationship or if it’s time for you to let that person go.
If you are a parent and have a codependent relationship with an adult child because of their addictions, which can be exceptionally hard, you may have a much harder time letting go. You can continue to care for your child, but you’ll need to repeat to yourself that they are no longer your responsibility. You can only help them as far as you can keep your boundaries.
How to Offer Healthy Support
You need to understand how to stop being codependent while still offering support if you want to stay in the relationship that you’ve been struggling with after you’ve healed. That can seem difficult, and the lines are often blurred, but there are a few ways that you can adjust your behaviors to support without risking codependent behavior.
If you want to act as a supportive relationship partner, you’ll need to listen with empathy without giving your partner solutions or trying to force them to change. You can talk through a variety of solutions with your partner, but you cannot push them in a direction or even expect them to take action in any way. They may not, and that’s okay.
You can also become a source of compassion or acceptance in a world where they often feel shame or misunderstanding. Sometimes flipping the script on addiction helps addicts to overcome. It can help them to realize that they are in control of their lives and that their addiction is not. It can also help them to feel better about themselves, and maybe realize they don’t need the vice.
When is it Time to See a Therapist?
Seeking professional help for your codependency is not a failure. Seeking this kind of help and advice is a way of telling yourself that you care. Self-care is vital, and therapy is an advanced form of self-care. How do you decide when it’s time to seek counseling for your codependency, though?
If you have patterns of codependency in your past relationships and current ones, then you might want to seek a professional’s advice to help you overcome your problems and heal. People who have been codependent over and over again in relationships often have childhood traumas or insecure attachment styles that they need to deal with as well.
The primary reason patterns of codependency may require counseling is because they take time and knowledge to deal with. You can absolutely do it on your own if you’re willing to dedicate the time and effort, but you might find the accountability of help useful. It’s nice to have someone to assist you in staying on-track as you recover from your unhealthy patterns.
A counselor can also help you to understand the steps to take once you begin to value yourself and gain confidence. Many times we don’t know what to do to re-establish ourselves within our relationships or which relationships are salvageable. A professional can help us to sort out the messy parts of life so that we can keep moving forward with far less risk of falling into old habits.
Practice Valuing Yourself
If you’ve been in a codependent relationship for a while, you’ll need to work on valuing yourself. You can do this with the help of a counselor or on your own, but you’ll need to at least try to understand how to value yourself alone to ultimately succeed.
There are a few ways you can practice this kind of self-care. One place to start is by spending time with people who respect you and value you. Healthy relationships can help you to learn how to see codependent behaviors as abnormal. Then you can learn to understand what the alternatives to those behaviors are.
You will also want to spend time doing activities you enjoy. Doing things that make you happy can help you to understand yourself and can help to build your confidence. If you love to play music, try spending time every day doing that. Maybe even do something you like instead of participating in something your codependent relationship partner wants you to do.
Finally, you can take care of yourself and your health. People in codependent relationships often put every part of their self-care on hold for their relationship partners. That means that you could have neglected your routine checkups at the doctor, given up working out, or started to eat poorly to cope with your emotions.
If you can take time to take better care of yourself, and you can set boundaries with your partner to continue to make time for this self-care, then you’ll move past your codependent behaviors quicker.
In Summary
Codependent relationships are difficult. You may not even realize that you’re in a codependent relationship because you think you’re just kind or loving toward your partner. You’ll want to ask yourself the questions we discussed above and be honest with yourself about whether you’re trying to control or save your partner in order to determine if you’re codependent.
Remember, codependency is not permanent. Although some people do find patterns of codependency in their relationships, you can always overcome these unhealthy relationship behaviors with work, research, and understanding. Overcoming codependent behavior is something you can do alone or with the help of a counselor if you’d like help.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed of being codependent, and you shouldn’t assume you are codependent because you care about someone else deeply. You are allowed to care, to want the best for someone, to feel anxious, and to feel abandoned. Codependency only occurs when you cannot acknowledge or express those emotions.
Once you decide to work toward overcoming your codependent relationship, you’ll need to understand that things could go wrong for your relationship partner. Still, it’s not your fault or your responsibility to fix it. Your partner is in charge of their life, just as you’re responsible for your life. You can be there and provide support when your partner asks, but you cannot take over. Codependent behavior isn’t forever—you can overcome it.