Forming deep connections with others is one of life’s greatest joys. However, achieving true intimacy with another isn’t always easy. In order to have a fulfilling relationship with someone, you must be willing to share your true feelings, even when doing so is uncomfortable.
The ability to be emotionally available is necessary for a successful partnership with someone else. In this article, you’ll find everything you need to know about identifying emotional availability in yourself and others. Using these tips and techniques can help strengthen and improve your relationship in a way you never thought possible.
Read on to learn how to be emotionally available, and why it’s so important for both you and those you love.
What is Emotional Availability?
Emotional availability refers to a person’s willingness to express their feelings and appear vulnerable to others. If a person is emotionally unavailable, they create barriers to true intimacy.
Emotionally unavailable people are unable to fully commit to a relationship. However, they also act like they want a relationship. Ultimately, they sabotage any relationship they’re in.
It’s important to recognize emotional unavailability in yourself and others. If you or your partner struggle to express yourself emotionally, that’s an important trait to recognize and understand. A relationship is still possible, but only if you’re both willing to work on improvement.
The Different Types of Emotionally Unavailable People
The dating experts at Match.com have identified four types of emotionally unavailable people:
- The Physically Unavailable
- The Secret Keepers
- Those Who Are Committed to Others
- Addicts and Substance Abusers
Physically Unavailable
Emotionally unavailable people are almost always physically unavailable, too. They don’t return phone calls. They disappear for days or weeks at a time. When they do make plans, they often cancel or fail to follow through.
Of course, even in healthy relationships, no partner is available at all times. A degree of autonomy is necessary to avoid emotionally overwhelming your partner. However, emotionally available people take steps to remain in their partner’s life even when they’re unable to be present physically.
For example, it’s almost always possible to send a quick text or message that says, “Stuck at work for the evening. Thinking of you!” But if the other person constantly ghosts you, that’s a sign they’re not emotionally available.
Secret Keepers
You don’t have to tell your significant other literally everything that happens to you when they’re not around. However, when someone keeps an excessive amount of secrets, that’s a big sign they’re not invested in your relationship. Consider it a red flag is your partner keeps any of the following from you:
- Their occupation
- Their home address
- Their friends or family
If you never meet anyone in your partner’s life, or if you seem to only see them on their terms, they’re likely hiding something from you. An emotionally available person not only wants to know their partner, but they also want their partner to know them, and they’re eager to show you their life.
Committed to Others
Obviously, if your partner is married or otherwise in a relationship, that’s a clear sign they’re unlikely to be emotionally available for you. But aside from infidelity, a person can be emotionally attached to another person, too.
A common example of this is someone who just got out of a serious relationship. They’re technically single, but they’re emotionally invested in their previous relationship. Maybe they were dumped. Maybe they have unsolved issues with their ex. Whatever the reason, they don’t have the mental energy to become emotionally involved with someone else, at least for now.
Addicts and Substance Abusers
Unfortunately, a person in the throes of addiction doesn’t have the emotional energy to devote to someone else. Even a recently recovered addict might not have the emotional resources available. Of course, dating an addict also poses other sources of potential conflict.
Gender and Emotional Availability
Emotional availability is often thought of as a problem that mainly applies to men unable to express emotions. They’re unable to share their feelings or get in touch with their feminine side.
Truthfully, that type of language and thinking is a bit out-of-date. A person’s emotional availability is tied to issues related to trust, intimacy, and personal history. It doesn’t directly equate to someone’s gender.
Also, it’s not always the case that one person in the relationship is solely responsible for the problems. Each of you must create a feeling of trust and mutual security. When the other person is emotionally available, it’s easier to trust that they have your back in all avenues of life.
Signs that Your Partner is Emotionally Unavailable
Determining a person’s level of emotional availability isn’t always easy. After all, when you first meet someone new, they’re unlikely to open up emotionally in any significant way. Emotional vulnerability typically only occurs after the initial getting-to-know-you period.
Each person moves at a different pace in a new relationship, which can make determining someone’s emotional availability confusing. Maybe they just take longer to warm up to someone new?
However, there’s a big difference between someone who is slow to trust and someone who can’t express their emotions at all. If your new partner is emotionally unavailable, you’ll need to know as soon as you can, so you can decide if that’s someone you even want to date.
Here are some key signs that someone is emotionally unavailable:
They’re Overly Critical
People who struggle with expressing emotions often find a way to reject a new partner before the relationship turns serious. Although there’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a partner, and stopping a relationship if it’s not working for you, that’s different than inventing seemingly silly reasons to dump someone.
Think of all the people who were dumped throughout the show Seinfeld. Jerry and friends rejected potential partners for a wide range of inane and nonsensical reasons including:
- They were a close talker
- They were too close with their parents
- They ate peas with a knife
- They looked different depending on the lighting
While those examples were exaggerations for comedic effect, they’re not terribly different from how emotionally unavailable people can act. Because they know, at least subconsciously, that they don’t want to make themselves available emotionally to a partner, they’ll invent a reason to end the relationship.
If your new partner has a long line of ex’s, and seemingly strange reasons for ending those relationships, that might be a sign they’re not comfortable sharing their emotions. Additionally, emotionally unavailable people are more likely to instigate break-ups, especially early on.
They Keep It Casual
Nobody wants to hang out with someone who is constantly serious. A light, casual attitude is a must in a healthy relationship. However, there’s a difference between someone with a playful side and someone who can never hold a serious conversation.
A person unwilling to have emotional conversations will attempt to steer discussion topics away from serious subjects, usually with jokes. At first, the person can seem like tons of fun, because they’re always quick to make you laugh. However, if they consistently use humor as a way to avoid emotional conversations, that’s usually a sign they’re emotionally unavailable.
They’re Quick to Blame Others
An inability to accept responsibility for their own mistakes and imperfections is a major sign of emotional unavailability. This person will constantly blame others, often to a ridiculous degree. Nothing ever is their fault.
Blaming others serves two purposes. An emotionally unavailable person lacks introspection, which means they have difficulty recognizing their own faults. Additionally, blaming others tends to drive people away, which is often what the emotionally unavailable person wants, at least subconsciously.
Along with habitually blaming others, emotionally unavailable people are often defensive. If they’re not blaming someone, at the very least, they’re not accepting responsibility themselves. Accepting responsibility shows vulnerability than they’re willing to display, so they will deflect at every opportunity.
They Avoid Conflict
At first, a partner who avoids conflict might seem like an ideal partner. But a complete lack of conflict in a relationship isn’t healthy. People who lack the ability to express emotions in a relationship will avoid any friction.
Unfortunately, ignoring conflict doesn’t make the underlying problems go away. Instead, they’re likely to grow worse over time. For example, if your partner is chronically late, but you never mention how that trait bothers you, they’ll have no incentive to try and change.
Conflict is a healthy way to work through disagreements and develop a better path forward. The key to success is practicing techniques associated with healthy conflict. According to research on healthy romantic relationships, healthy conflict has the following characteristics:
- A goal of mutually satisfying resolutions. The pursuit of a “win-win.”
- The willingness to see the issue from the other person’s point of view.
- Acknowledge both you and your partner’s needs and desires as valid
- A willingness to compromise
Healthy communication is only possible when both parties can make themselves available emotionally.
They Express Negative Body Language
Don’t overlook what’s right in front of you. People tend to express their true feelings via body language. Fortunately, you don’t have to be an expert to understand the basics. In romantic relationships, pay attention to the following three physical actions:
- Posture
- Touch
- Eye contact
Does your partner look directly at you when you’re talking? Do they reach out to touch your arms, hands, or in other comforting ways? Do they lean forward and express openness?
Keep in mind expressing open, welcoming body language doesn’t come naturally for people that struggle with emotional intimacy. They may enjoy talking to you but struggle to express it physically.
How to Increase Your Emotional Availability
Increasing your emotional availability is possible for anyone. The following strategies can help. Remember, increasing your emotional availability is a process, so stick with these techniques.
Identify the Core Issue
When someone struggles to open up emotionally, usually, there’s an underlying issue driving their behavior. Identifying this core problem often helps the individual feel more comfortable expressing the emotions and forming deep connections with others.
The two most common reasons people struggle to connect with others emotionally are the following:
- Issues related to childhood
- Issues related to previous relationships
Lack of Emotional Expression During Childhood
If your parents were distant and didn’t express their feelings often, you’ll likely struggle to express your own emotions later in life. Parents play a major role in helping children learn how to identify and express emotions. If your parents didn’t provide suitable emotional coaching, expressing emotions as an adult is likely difficult.
Additionally, many kids, especially boys, are taught to suppress their emotions. They’re told that “boys don’t cry” and “emotions are a sign of weakness.” This unhealthy attitude then carries over into adulthood.
Emotional Baggage from Previous Relationships
If you suffered emotional pain in an earlier relationship, you might then struggle to express emotions in subsequent relationships. It’s a common reaction if a relationship ended due to infidelity or deceit.
Take time to carefully consider your childhood and previous relationships. When considering your childhood, reaching out to siblings to hear their recollections can be helpful. If you’re comfortable doing so, you can also reach out to your ex-partner for insight into your behavior when you were dating.
Note that identifying the core issue is only the first step. You have to then implement change, which isn’t always easy to do. Here’s a closer look at steps you can take to increase your emotional availability.
Take it Slower
People without a high degree of emotional availability often feel uncomfortable when a new relationship starts to move too fast. Although the exact timeline varies by person, it’s usually around the time when the new relationship becomes more serious. Perhaps the two people decide to date exclusively, or deeper feelings start to form.
An emotionally unavailable person will likely resist the transition of this relationship. However, the resistance might not have anything to do with the other person. For example, they might like the idea of entering an exclusive relationship. What they don’t like is the accompanying emotion-based dialogue that accompanies this type of transition.
One of the best strategies in this situation is to explain yourself to your partner. Say that you struggle with expressing emotions, especially in new romantic relationships.
Ideally, your new partner will accept your circumstances and have no problem slowing down until you feel more comfortable. If they try to pressure you to enter into a relationship faster than you wish, that’s usually a clear sign they may not be the ideal partner for you.
Acknowledge Your Fears
Don’t let a fear of failure keep you from connecting with an intimate partner. A major reason people withdraw emotionally is that they’re afraid of rejection. Hiding your emotions acts as a type of armor to protect your feelings if the other person decides they don’t want to date you.
Forming close relationships requires risk. Despite your fears, you have to push yourself to share your true self with someone else. It’s scary and uncomfortable, but it’s this vulnerability that allows us to connect with one another.
In what at first sounds counterintuitive, vulnerability actually strengthens a relationship. When you and your partner share your innermost feelings, the sense of trust increases.
Start as Friends
Entering a new romantic relationship can create a whirlwind of emotions. If it feels like too much for you, consider being friends with the person first. Then, as you grow more comfortable with your feelings, the two of you might enter a romantic relationship. Friendships can involve a deep connection, but it often develops slower and with less drama when dating.
However, communication is key here. Make sure the two of you are on the same page. You don’t want to enter a friendship with someone only to blindside them with romantic feelings they were completely unaware you had. Early on in the friendship, explain that you have a tendency towards emotional unavailability, so you prefer to enter a friendship first with a potential romantic partner.
Decide to Open Up
Make a conscious decision to increase your emotional availability. Although that might sound like a simple solution, it’s often quite effective. Increasing your emotional availability is a skill and, like any skill, the best way to improve it is through practice.
Consistency is key. Make an effort to share your feelings whenever you’re around your new partner. If you’re overly emotional one day but closed off the next, you’ll send mixed messages that your partner will find confusing.
Trust Yourself
There are two types of trust needed for a successful relationship. First, you and your partner must trust each other. Interpersonal trust consists of four traits:
- Predictability
- Reliability
- Truthfulness
- Honesty
Aside from trust in the other person, who also need trust in yourself. Have confidence in your own decision making and emotional needs. A key element to trusting yourself involves listening to and understanding your own emotions.
When you block your emotions, it’s difficult to trust yourself. Increasing your emotional availability often goes hand-in-hand with learning how to trust yourself.
Practice Empathy
Just because someone has difficulty expressing emotions doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Feeling empathy towards others helps you feel comfortable expressing your emotions around them. The New York Times created a how-to guide for increasing empathy. They recommend the following:
- Practice. Some people are naturally empathic, but for most people, empathy is a conscious choice.
- Talk to new people. Even casual chit chat with strangers helps you learn more about people different from yourself
- Join forces. Working with others towards a common goal is a great way to increase empathy.
Understanding how and why people behave as they do helps increase your comfort level around them, which in turn increases your emotional availability.
Discuss Complex (and Controversial) Subjects
While casual conversations with strangers help increase empathy, you want to go beyond superficial topics when talking to your partner. Discussing complex issues about the world is a great way to connect with someone emotionally.
Politics, religion, and other serious topics help you gain insight into someone else’s deepest thoughts and opinions. Revealing your true opinions about a subject, especially if you’re not sure how the other person will react, is a vulnerable action. It requires trust and respect from both parties.
Don’t Give Up
If you’re not used to sharing your emotions with others, learning how to do so can feel awkward and frustrating. After all, it’s not like you don’t have emotions. Instead, you just have difficulty expressing them. You’ll naturally feel protective over your feelings and reluctant to share them.
Realize that it won’t always go smoothly. You might fumble over your words, or fail to express emotions at the proper times. Try your best in every situation, and don’t dwell on your mistakes. Additionally, learning how to be emotionally available is often easier if your partner is aware of your struggle.
Take Responsibility
While this lesson might sound harsh, sometimes it needs to be said. Although many factors, such as a bad childhood or rough break-up, can contribute to emotional unavailability, ultimately, the problem is yours alone to solve.
If you’re not able or willing to connect with someone emotionally, you’ll never have a successful and fulfilling romantic relationship. It’s a blunt message, but it’s true. Owning up to your responsibility is an important first step in taking additional steps towards fixing the problem.
Should You Date Someone Who Is Emotionally Unavailable?
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you need to make some decisions.
Are They Abusive?
First, if the person is abusive, either verbally or physically, leave them right away. Common signs of abuse in an intimate relationship include:
- Physical violence
- Frequent displays of anger and jealousy
- Monitoring your behavior and whereabouts
The Pros and Cons of Dating Someone Emotionally Unavailable
Fortunately, an emotionally unavailable person isn’t necessarily an abuser. You don’t have to immediately dump your partner if you determine they’re not emotionally available. However, a person who can’t express themselves emotionally isn’t always easy to date. You’ll want to consider the pros and cons.
Yes, there are benefits to dating someone emotionally unavailable. Mainly, the relationship doesn’t have to be serious. If you just want casual companionship, a lack of a deep emotional connection can be considered a plus.
Eventually, most people want a more meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, that type of relationship isn’t possible with someone who places walls around their emotions. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is your partner aware of the situation, and are they attempting to change?
- How long are you willing to wait for signs of improvement?
- How much emotional energy do you spend dealing with their lack of intimacy?
- Are you staying with them only because you think you can’t find a better partner?
Ultimately, you can’t make someone change their behavior. They must take responsibility for their own actions. If they recognize the problem and make a good faith effort to change their behavior, you might want to give them time to improve.
However, a relationship with someone who lacks an understanding of emotional openness is almost always doomed to fail. It can leave you feeling all alone and disconnected. If you feel that your emotional needs aren’t getting met by your partner, sometimes the healthiest thing to do is leave them.
Signs of Emotional Immaturity
Emotional immaturity is often closely related to emotional unavailability. Many people who display traits of one also display traits of the other.
While an emotionally unavailable person might struggle to express emotions, an emotionally immature person often has no problem expressing emotions, but they display them inappropriately. The four most common traits of an emotionally immature person are the following:
They Throw Temper Tantrums
Watching an adult throw a temper tantrum is an uncomfortable experience. Mature adults can control their emotions to avoid making a scene or creating unnecessary drama. Note that emotionally healthy people still get upset, angry, and experience other intense emotions. But they’re able to restrain their behavior as appropriate.
Temper tantrums are often more about seeking attention than handling a situation responsibly. Although an adult temper tantrum can involve a big display of emotion, it’s not a type of healthy emotional sharing.
They’re Too Dependent
While you want a partner that you can count on, don’t become dependent on him or her. Dependency is an unhealthy reliance on your partner for your happiness. Additionally, it’s a sign of poor self-confidence when you can’t complete any tasks without your partner’s presence.
Dependency can feel like love at first. After all, of course, your partner enjoys spending time with you. But if they’re dependent on you for all of their emotional needs, your relationship will feel strained and overwhelming.
They’re Self-Involved
Emotionally immature people tend to think of themselves. They only complete tasks that benefit them directly. They might not even realize how their actions affect others.
Excessive self-involvement often makes the other person feel left out. They might like a side character, and the other person is the star, where everything relates to their needs. People who think only of themselves often have difficulty recognizing the emotional needs of others.
Impulsive Behavior
Emotionally immature people typically don’t think about the consequences. Instead, they’re more concerned with instant gratification. They commit impulsive acts such as spending lots of money, making rash decisions and otherwise acting erratically.
While spontaneous behavior is fun in moderation, it often creates a strain on a relationship. You’ll likely have difficulty trusting a partner who acts without thinking. Additionally, impulsive behavior is often also a financial drain on a relationship.
Final Thoughts
A healthy, supportive, and loving relationship is one of life’s greatest joys. Your and your partner’s ability to maintain emotional availability is one of the greatest predictors of your relationship’s long-term success. If you’re struggling with expressing yourself emotionally, know that you can change with the tips and techniques above.
Emotional vulnerability can seem frightening at first, but it increases trust, contentment, and intimacy. Learning how to be emotionally available is a key aspect of a healthy, fulfilling partnership.